IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Being a celebrity- such as famous film star or sports personality – brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

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Introduction
Being a celebrity has
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advantages and disadvantages. The famous
people
Use synonyms
 can gain
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
money
Use synonyms
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 they can'
t
Use synonyms
 live their
life
Use synonyms
 privacy.
For
Linking Words
example
Use synonyms
, Cristiano Ronaldo he recive a
millions of
Fix the agreement mistake
million
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 dollars per week
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 he can'
t
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 hide his
life
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 because the fans in Saudi Arabia
they wan'
Correct word order
don't want
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t
Use synonyms
 to see his
Use synonyms
life
Punctuation problem
life,
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 even if
its
Correct your spelling
it's
 in his house. In my opinion, its bring a lot of
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
The famous person can bring
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
money
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 and a
luxuries
Replace the word
luxurious
 car.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 he can do a charity for poor
people
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by
Change preposition
with
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 his commercial video.
For
Linking Words
example
Use synonyms
, Ronaldo
he
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apply
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asks Aquafina to give his
comercial
Correct your spelling
commercial
money
Use synonyms
 to poor kids in Portugal. Another reason, the
people
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who's
Correct subject-verb agreement
who are
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 in
hospital
Correct article usage
the hospital
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they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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will be happy when a celebrity person visiting their.
For
Linking Words
example
Use synonyms
, they will be happy because their idol
visiting
Verb problem
is visiting
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 him. The famous
people
Use synonyms
 can
easy
Rephrase
easily
show examples
 prepare their
sons
Check wording
sons' lives
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 to live their live easy .
For
Linking Words
example
Use synonyms
 ,
When
Fix capitalization
when
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 they
recieve
Correct your spelling
receive
 millions from there
parent's
Punctuation problem
parent's,
show examples
 they will not need to spend time
to walk
Wrong verb form
walking
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 behind
money
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
In otherhand
Correct word choice
On the other hand
show examples
, there is alot of disadvantages
some
Punctuation problem
, some
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 of
them
Correct pronoun usage
which are that
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
they can'
t
Use synonyms
 live their
life
Use synonyms
privace
Correct your spelling
in privacy
.
For
Linking Words
example
Use synonyms
, they can'
t
Use synonyms
 take coffee and change
atmosphere
Correct article usage
the atmosphere
show examples
. Another reason, the famous one
he
Punctuation problem
, he
show examples
 should
makes
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 his fans happy even if it hurts his heart Because he wants to increase his followers.
For
Linking Words
example
Use synonyms
, fans want their idol to do what they like. And he should be
pacient
Correct your spelling
patient
 with them even if his live toruble.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
everyside
Correct your spelling
every side
 has a good and bad side.
A the
Correct determiner usage
The
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 should
deside
Correct your spelling
decide
 between
money
Use synonyms
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 privacy and a normal
life
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Give your main view more clearly in the first part. Say that the problems are greater than the good points, and keep this view through the whole essay.
task response
Talk more about why the problems are greater. You give more ideas about money and good works than about the bad side, so the final view is not fully shown.
task response
Use examples that clearly prove each idea. The Ronaldo example is clear, but explain how it shows that fame can make life hard.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: first part with your view, one part for benefits, one part for problems, and a final part that repeats your view.
coherence and cohesion
Start each main part with one clear idea. For example: “One benefit of fame is money.” Then give one or two details and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “Therefore”. Do not repeat “Another reason” too often.
coherence and cohesion
Make the final part stronger. Do not only say that both sides have good and bad points. State clearly which side is greater and why.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give a clear personal view that fame brings many problems.
task response
You use real-life examples, such as Ronaldo, money, charity, and hospital visits.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear main parts for benefits, problems, and a final part.
coherence and cohesion
You often use examples after your ideas, which helps the reader follow your meaning.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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