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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Modern technology has made it easier for individuals to downloat copyrighted music and books from the Internrt for no charge. To what extent is this a positive or a negative development?

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Introduction
One of the impact that technology improvement bring is download musics and books that are not free of charge
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the internet.
This
Linking Words
 argument carries positive and negative impacts
along with
Linking Words
 it.
According to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 topic,
this
Linking Words
 essay
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 discuss more about the
advatantage
Correct your spelling
advantages
 and
disadvantage
Check wording
disadvantages
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
One of the
positivity
Fix the agreement mistake
positives
show examples
 that
this
Linking Words
 new finding brings is
it
Correct word choice
that it
show examples
 is easier for
people
Use synonyms
 to read and listen, especially for
them that
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 are not able to afford
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
expensive goods.
For example
Linking Words
, an official book
cost
Correct subject-verb agreement
costs
show examples
 more than the average of
students
Check wording
students'
show examples
 pocket money;
as a result
Linking Words
, only a few of them would be able to afford
this
Linking Words
.
However
Linking Words
, with an
un-official
Correct your spelling
unofficial
 book available
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the internet
that is
Linking Words
 free of charge,
this
Linking Words
 would help them to download and read it freely.
Consequently
Linking Words
, there will be more
people
Use synonyms
 to read
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 knowledges are widen at the same time.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 behaviour would
caused
Verb problem
have caused
show examples
 the authors
lost
Wrong verb form
to lose
show examples
 a lot of money. To illustrate, an artist would normally
earned $1000
Wrong verb form
earn $1000
show examples
 per day before the technology advancement;
nevertheless
Linking Words
, they earned the same amount
;
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
however
Linking Words
, per week.
Therefore
Linking Words
, there are
lesser
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 that willing to write and produce songs these days since their income is not as high as before. They need to work extremely
harder
Correct word choice
hard
show examples
 to
earned
Wrong verb form
earn
show examples
 what they got before by working in another industry.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
, one of the positive
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 of
this
Linking Words
 habit is the easy and cheap access to sources
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 songs and books,
people
Use synonyms
 would be able to listen and read more
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 that it
boost
Correct subject-verb agreement
boosts
show examples
 their
knowledges
Check wording
knowledge
show examples
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the authors are forced to get
lesser
Correct word choice
less
show examples
 money,
hence
Linking Words
 they need to work harder
both
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
in different
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
 or
industry
Fix the agreement mistake
industries
show examples
.

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Task response
You answer both sides, but your own view is not clear. Say if you think this is mainly a good or bad change, and repeat this view in the end.
Task response
Develop each main idea more. Explain why free books help poor students, but also explain why free illegal copies can hurt writers and music makers.
Task response
Your examples are linked to the topic, but the money example feels made up and is not fully clear. Use a more real example, such as a writer who gets less pay when many people use free copies.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. This makes it easy to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body part. In the second body part, stay with the effect on writers and artists, then explain it step by step.
Coherence and cohesion
Some link words are used well, such as 'For example', 'However', and 'To sum up'. Do not use 'nevertheless' and 'however' together in the same sentence, as this makes the link unclear.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the end shorter and clearer. State the good point, the bad point, and your final view in two or three direct sentences.
Task response
You discuss both the good side for people with little money and the bad side for authors. These ideas are relevant to the question.
Coherence and cohesion
Your main paragraph order is logical: first the good effect, then the bad effect, followed by a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use examples to help explain your points, which gives the essay a clear shape.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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