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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, many people spend less and less time at home. What are the ‎causes of this? What are the effects of this on individuals and on society.‎

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Introduction
In modern society,
individuals
Use synonyms
 spend
lesser
Correct word choice
less
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 at
home
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss vibrant city life and
the
Correct word choice
how the
show examples
 rise in workload can lead to
this
Linking Words
 trend,
while
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
 stating some possible effects on
individuals
Use synonyms
 and the community.
Body paragraph 1
In cities
such
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 as New
york
Capitalize the proper name
York
show examples
, it has every facility that people need, from a coffee shop for people to enjoy a drink to a massive sports stadium for citizens to spectate the exciting sports events and share
to
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 joy together. After worktime, the public living there tend to spend their
time
Use synonyms
 with their colleagues or
peers
Punctuation problem
peers,
show examples
while
Linking Words
individuals
Use synonyms
 can do everything they can think of within the city. Because of that, staying at
home
Use synonyms
 might
comparingly
Correct your spelling
comparatively
 be a bit
bored
Correct word choice
boring
show examples
 for them as a method to spend their leisure
time
Use synonyms
. The trend can lead to better fitness for
individuals
Use synonyms
 as they spend more
time
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 outside walking
arond
Correct your spelling
around
.
Besides
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, they might
also
Linking Words
 have new experiences
such
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 as meeting new friends and
visitng
Correct your spelling
visiting
 a fresh place, enhancing both health and social life. Spending their
time
Use synonyms
 outside can
also
Linking Words
 boost
economical
Replace the word
economic
 growth
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they
supports
Correct subject-verb agreement
support
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 local businesses by methods
such
Linking Words
 as purchasing products from shops and buying tickets to a concert.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , many companies in asian countries always assign an enormous amount of tasks for employees to complete. The huge workload often
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to overtime working and expansion of office
time
Use synonyms
 to even 10pm. The trend resulted
them
Change preposition
in them
show examples
to spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 less
time
Use synonyms
 staying at
home
Use synonyms
.
Due to
Linking Words
 reduced rest
time
Use synonyms
, it can raise concerns about
mental
Correct article usage
the mental
show examples
 health of
individuals
Use synonyms
 , risk of fatigue and reduced control of their daily routine. In terms of impact
to the
Change preposition
on
show examples
 society,
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon might cause
decline
Correct article usage
a decline
show examples
 in individual productivity
due to
Linking Words
 employees not
gaining
Verb problem
getting
show examples
 enough rest.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the primary causes of citizens spending less
time
Use synonyms
 at
home
Use synonyms
 is vivid city
provided
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 them
thousands
Change preposition
with thousands
show examples
 of activities and
also
Linking Words
 the excessive workload
due to
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 increased expectations from managers on employees
causing
Punctuation problem
, causing
show examples
 lengthening
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 office
time
Use synonyms
. Less
time
Use synonyms
 at
home
Use synonyms
 can
both
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
boost economic growth or lead to reduced productivity.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more even way. Give clear causes first, then give clear effects on people and on society. The first cause has many good effects, but the bad effects need more detail.
task response
Make each main idea more exact. For example, explain why city life makes home seem less fun, and explain how long work hours can harm family time, sleep, and work quality.
task response
Use examples that fit the point. New York is useful, but do not spend too many words listing places. Add a short, real-like example of a worker who gets home late.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Make the order even clearer: cause one and its effects, then cause two and its effects, or put all causes in one part and all effects in the next.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'as a result', 'for this reason', 'however', and 'in addition' can show how one idea leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same key words. Use 'people', 'workers', and 'society' in a clear way. Avoid changing to unclear words like 'the public' or 'the trend' when the reader may not know what you mean.
task response
You address the two causes and discuss effects for both people and society. Your points about health, new social links, mental health, and work quality are on topic.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the conclusion brings the main causes and effects together.
coherence and cohesion
The use of 'On the other hand' helps the reader see the move from city life to heavy work demands.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • job demands
  • work-life balance
  • remote working
  • digital entertainment
  • public spaces
  • urbanization
  • social and recreational options
  • networking
  • commuting
  • blurred boundaries
  • extroverted societal expectation
  • cafes and coworking spaces
  • smaller living spaces
  • cultural changes
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