IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

one of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the diadvantages.

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Introduction
Advanced medical cures and services led to a notable increase in citizens' average life expectancy. Despite the fact that individuals will have more time to contribute to the development of the nation, I firmly believe that the drawbacks of
this
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 trend outweigh the merits.
Body paragraph 1
Initially
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, having an
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
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 population will cause severe financial burdens for the government, primarily because
they
Fix the agreement mistake
it
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 will be required to pay pensions to retirees for a longer period of time.
However
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, the decline of birth rates faced by the majority of countries will result in less tax
revenues
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revenue
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, which will make the retirement system an unsustainable practice.
In addition
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, a large proportion of workers will migrate to other countries because income tax will mostly rise in order to cover retirees' pensions.
For instance
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, 16 per cent of employees in the United Kingdom are considering
to leave
Wrong verb form
leaving
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 the country and
look
Wrong verb form
looking
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 for an economy that imposes less tax,
according to
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 the University of Liverpool.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, the large free periods for the elderly could result in severe depression and loneliness; to put it differently, their sons will be available for
limited
Correct article usage
a limited
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 time
due to
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 parental and professional obligations.
Moreover
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, population density will rise drastically as older residents keep getting older and youngsters
are growing
Wrong verb form
grow
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 up. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in Japan, where high life expectancy rates led to significant traffic and accommodation congestion.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the longer
living
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life expectancy
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 of humans
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 negative consequences,
such
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 as increased spending on pensions, massive migration from employees, and denser population distribution.

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task response
Make your main view more exact. You say the bad points are stronger, but explain more fully why they are stronger than the good point of older people helping the country.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear link to longer life. For example, say why more older people would raise pension and health care costs, and why this would be hard for the state.
task response
Be careful with claims that are too broad. The idea that many workers will leave a country because of tax needs more support. A made-up or unclear study is not a strong example.
task response
Your second body paragraph has some weak links. More free time does not always cause sadness, and higher life span does not by itself cause more people per area. Explain these links or use stronger bad points, such as care costs and a lack of workers.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main paragraphs, and ending. Keep this shape, but make the first sentence of each main paragraph state one clear point.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “This means that”, “As a result”, and “For this reason” can show cause and effect more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first paragraph moves from pensions to low birth rates to workers leaving; explain each step more slowly so the reader can follow the chain.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending restate your view and the two best reasons only. Do not add “denser population” unless you have shown it well in the main part.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view from the start: you believe the bad points are stronger.
task response
You give both a good point and several bad points, including pension costs and the needs of older people.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the ending gives a short summary of your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Initially”, “Furthermore”, “In addition”, and “In conclusion” help the reader see the order of your ideas.
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