IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, there are many social problems involving teenagers. Some people say this is because parents spend much of their time at work and not at home. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
These days
there
Punctuation problem
, there
show examples
 have been problems when it comes to teenagers.
Other
Fix the agreement mistake
Others
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 believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 didn’t focus on their
child
Check wording
child's
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 development,
instead
Linking Words
 they’re
pre-occupied of
Change preposition
preoccupied with
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 their jobs and status position. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will give my opinion
if
Change preposition
on whether
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 I agree or disagree.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
In
Fix capitalization
in
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this
Linking Words
generation
Add a comma
generation,
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 are busier than before because of the competitive work environment, where they should focus and work hard for their future. In
this
Linking Words
 case, the love and quality time for their
children
Use synonyms
 became reduced.
For instance
Linking Words
, if the
parents
Use synonyms
coming
Wrong verb form
come
show examples
 home late every
night
Punctuation problem
night,
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 they feel exhausted
already
Punctuation problem
already,
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 they
preffered
Correct your spelling
prefer
 to sleep
than
Correct word choice
rather than
show examples
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
look
in
Change preposition
after
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they will
hired
Wrong verb form
hire
show examples
 some
nannys
Correct your spelling
nannies
 to look after their
children
Use synonyms
. Where there’s no clear
communicatiton
Correct your spelling
communication
,
bond
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bonds
show examples
 and memories
created
Verb problem
are created
show examples
.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
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 can
be
Verb problem
apply
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result
that
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
children
Use synonyms
 being rebellious and not following the rules of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
doing
Verb problem
are doing
show examples
 their best at work because they want to provide all the needs of their family.
Linking Words
Also
Punctuation problem
Also,
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 to improve their skills and
positions
Punctuation problem
positions,
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therefore
Linking Words
 it’s easier for them to be promoted and have connections. But
it’s
Check wording
it
show examples
 always
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 risks focusing too much in career can neglect the
children
Use synonyms
 and
feel them
Correct word order
make them feel
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 all alone.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, I agree that working
parents
Use synonyms
 have shortcomings for their kids, presence and emotional needs.
Also
Linking Words
focusing
Punctuation problem
, focusing
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their job can limit the beautiful bond that they should have before their kids
will grow-up
Wrong verb form
grow up
show examples
 and reach the stage of teenagers. Where they can guide, protect, and teach them how to be a good person.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. Say that you agree, but explain that work is one cause, not the only cause of teen problems.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Explain how less time at home can lead to poor talks, less help, and then bad acts by some teens.
task response
Your example is close to real life, but make it more clear and full. For example, show what a child may do when no parent asks about school, friends, or rules.
task response
Add one more point to make your answer wider. For example, say that parents can still give love and rules even when they work long hours.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: first part with your view, one body part for why you agree, one body part for the other side, then a short end.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. The first body part is about less time with children. The next part should clearly show why work is still needed, then link it back to your view.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words in a more natural way: 'First', 'For example', 'As a result', 'However', and 'In the end'.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid short sentence parts such as 'Where there’s no clear communication' and 'Which can be result'. Join them to the sentence before so the meaning is complete.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear view in the end: parents who work too much may not meet their children’s needs.
task response
You include a useful real-life example about parents coming home late and feeling tired.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful link words, such as 'To begin with', 'For instance', 'On the other hand', and 'To conclude'.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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