IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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There is like debating whether to give
children
Use synonyms
mobile
Correct article usage
a mobile
show examples
phone
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 or not. Some
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 agree on providing
mobile
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a mobile
show examples
phone
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 to their
children
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while
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 other
parents
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 disagree. With global
advacment
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advancement
, it is difficult to prevent
children
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 from using
smart phones
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smartphones
especially
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, especially
show examples
most
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since most
show examples
children
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nowdays
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nowadays
 have their own
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phone
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phones
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. In my point of
oppinion
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opinion
,
parent
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parents
show examples
 should set
certien
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certain
 roles and
boundries
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boundaries
 on using
smart
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smartphones
phone
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,
for instance
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,
parents
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 have to set timers and limit the duration of daily usage of samrt
phone
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. Some
parents
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 promise their
children
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if
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that if
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 they
did
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do
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 well in school and
got
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get
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 high grades during the
weekday
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week
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, they will allow them to use phones
at the end
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 of the weekend as a praise or a
reward
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praise
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. I totally
disgree
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disagree
 with
idae
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the idea
 of giving
children
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 smart
phone
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 who is under 3 years of age , because it is gonna negatively
affcet
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affect
 their brain development
including
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, including
show examples
thier
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their
 attention, memory and learning. Recently, many
children
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 under 3 years of age
diagnosed
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have been diagnosed
show examples
 with language delay and communication disorders because of
exessive
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excessive
 use of
smart
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smartphones
phone
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, so it is better for young
children
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spend
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to spend
show examples
 time
expolring
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exploring
 toys, playing and interacting with
other
Replace the word
others
instead
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 of spending time using
mobile
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mobiles
show examples
.
Parents
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 have to pay attention to the
contect
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content
 their
children
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exposed
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are exposed
show examples
 to
it
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apply
show examples
, so it is better to
focues
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focus
 on educational content
such
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 as learning numbers, shapes and
color
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colours
show examples
 or even listening to
story
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a story
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 rather than random videos. Some mothers give
her
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their
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 child a
phone
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 because he is crying and she
do
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does
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 not know how to calm him down or how to deal with him
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instead
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, instead
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 of understanding the reason behind crying
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as
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, as
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 well as because of
mother's
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the mother's
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buse
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busy
 schedule.
To sum up
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,
i
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I
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 recommend
parents
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 to interact and communicate with their
children
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instead
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 of spending time in front of screens and mobile
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phone
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phones
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 and
have
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apply
show examples
to monitor the content
children
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exposed
Verb problem
are exposed
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 to
it
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apply
show examples
.
Moreover
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, every parent is responsible
about
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for
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 their
children
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Discuss both sides in a more even way. You explain why phones can be bad for young children, but you give little detail about why some parents think phones are good. Add points such as safety, calls with family, and help with school work.
task response
Make your own view clear in one short sentence near the start. Then keep the same view to the end: phones may be useful, but parents should set rules and young children should have very little screen time.
task response
Use one or two clear examples for each side. For example, a phone can help a child call a parent after school; however, long use may take time away from play, talk, and sleep.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, reasons for giving phones, reasons against phones, and your view with a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one main idea. Do not put many different ideas in the same long paragraph. Keep all points about benefits together and all points about harm together.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words to show the order of your ideas: 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', 'However', and 'In conclusion'.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence more direct. Say what parents should do, such as give phones only when needed, set time limits, and check what children watch.
task response
You give a clear personal view that parents should set time limits and watch the content their children use.
task response
Your points about brain growth, language, play, and parent-child time are linked well to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an opening, a main discussion, and a final summary.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples of rules, such as timers and reward time, to help explain your ideas.
Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • phone
  • child
  • parent
  • safety
  • risk
  • rule
  • limit
  • time
  • school
  • home
  • call
  • text
  • help
  • learn
  • apps
  • plan
  • money
  • online
  • talk
  • safe
  • care
  • family
  • trust
  • danger
  • choose
  • use
  • balance
  • screen
  • emergency
  • contact
  • education
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