The pie chart below shows where energy is used in a typical Australian household, and the table shows the amount of electricity used according to the number of occupants.

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The presented pie chart demonstrates the distribution of
energy
Use synonyms
consumption in a normal Australian house, and the given table provides information about the amount of
electricity
Use synonyms
utilised depending on the number of people.
Overall
Linking Words
, heating and cooling
is dominating
Correct subject-verb agreement
dominate
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more than one-third of the use of
energy
Use synonyms
among households,
whereas
Linking Words
shelters exceeding 6 individuals consume an average of between 12000
-
Correct word choice
and
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16000 kWh.
According to
Linking Words
the given graphs, water heating constitutes 25% of
energy
Use synonyms
consumption in a typical household.
Moreover
Linking Words
, fridges and lighting share the exact same percentages, with 7% of
energy
Use synonyms
use each.
However
Linking Words
,
stand by
Correct your spelling
stand-by
power and cooking are the least used
energy
Use synonyms
sources
to
Change preposition
in
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Australian homes.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, a person residing individually consumes 5000-6500 kWh of
electricity
Use synonyms
annually,
whereas
Linking Words
20 people in the house use between 6000-8000 kWf a year, slightly more than one individual.
In addition
Linking Words
, 3 residents in the same accommodation utilise 7500-1000 kWh of
electricity
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per year.
Linking Words
finally
Capitalize the word
Finally
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, 6 people residing together are the highest in terms of
electricity
Use synonyms
consumption, with an approximate range of 12000-16000.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words energy, electricity with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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