IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. ​What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem? ​Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. ​

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Introduction
​In many parts of the world
children
Use synonyms
 being overweight is a spreading problem
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 there are many causes that can cause
this
Linking Words
 problem
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
both
Use synonyms
 individuals and governments should intervene to stop it.
Body paragraph 1
​One of the main causes is the amount of processed foods the kids are eating. In families where
both
Use synonyms
 of the parents have jobs,
is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
show examples
 really common that the
children
Use synonyms
 at home eat fast food or heat some packaged meals.
Both
Use synonyms
 of
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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 solutions are the easiest and the fastest ones
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 they aren't helpful to keep the child healthy.
Body paragraph 2
​Many studies have demonstrated how the percentage of kids eating junk food almost daily is climbing steadily
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 that's not a promising indicator.
Body paragraph 3
​Another reason why obesity is a growing problem is that
children
Use synonyms
 are
always
Rephrase
apply
show examples
less
used
Correct word choice
accustomed
show examples
 to doing physical exercise. Given the new technologies we have nowadays, an increasing
numer
Correct your spelling
number
 of kids tend to spend most of their spare time in their houses playing video games, or computer games or scrolling on their phones.
Body paragraph 4
​
That is
Linking Words
 a crucial factor for the body development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 5
​What we can do is encourage families to do some
meals
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meal
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 prep daily
of
Correct word choice
or
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 weekly that can help to provide
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the youngers
a
Change preposition
with a
show examples
proper amount of fresh food with good nutrients. Parents should
also
Linking Words
 teach
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their sons and daughters to cook some basic meals to be able to provide for themselves when the parents aren't around.
Conclusion
​
On the other hand
Linking Words
, governments should promote physical activities
both
Use synonyms
 by making
schools
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school
show examples
 students attend some mandatory hours of exercising starting from the lowest grades and by installing some training equipment in public areas,
such
Linking Words
 as parks, that everyone can take advantage of.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: why child obesity is growing, and what parents and governments can do. To make your answer stronger, explain each main idea more fully. For example, say how fast food has too much sugar and fat, and how this can lead to weight gain.
task response
Add one clear example from your own knowledge or experience. You could describe a school that gives children more sport time, or a family that plans healthy meals for the week.
task response
Your ideas about parents and governments are useful. Add a short final paragraph that sums up the two main causes and says that both families and public bodies must act together.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: causes first, then solutions. Keep this plan, but make the link between paragraphs clearer with simple words such as “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “However”, and “In conclusion”.
coherence and cohesion
Some paragraphs are very short. Join closely linked ideas so that each paragraph has one main point, an explanation, and an example. The paragraph about studies, for instance, could be part of the fast-food paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure the subject and verb agree, as this helps the writing flow. For example, write “Both of these solutions are” and “an increasing number of children tend to spend”.
task response
You give clear and relevant causes, especially processed food and less exercise.
task response
You include practical actions for both parents and governments, such as meal planning, cooking skills, school exercise, and park equipment.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it moves from causes to possible actions.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “Another reason” and “On the other hand”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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