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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on children. Others say that these games are only fun and have no effect on children. Discuss both ideas and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Many say that technology and video
games
Use synonyms
 are violently affecting youth. Others believe it is a source of entertainment and do not see it as a concern.
This
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 essay will discuss both these arguments, and I will give my personal opinion on why I believe that it is a risk.
Body paragraph 1
There are many reasons why people believe that
games
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 and television are affecting
kids
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.
First,
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crime is normalised now within the youth community.
Due to
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games
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such
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 as Grand Theft Auto,
kids
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 have been committing crimes at an increased rate. In the past, stealing was considered a crime. Today
it
Punctuation problem
, it
show examples
 is much more common and accepted.
Second,
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experiences change the brain. Society has never been
this
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 tolerant of crimes.
This
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 is
due to
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 experiencing
games
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. In fact, after the first Modern Warfare game was released, the American army received many applications from
kids
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.
Lastly
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, movies have crimes.
Kids
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 may come across something wrong and copy it.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
violence
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 on television and computers does not create
violence
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 in children. It is irrational to believe that
this
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 is a risk to the young for many reasons.
Firstly
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, it is fun, but there should be a limit. It is just careless to let a child play and watch whatever they want.
Secondly
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,
kids
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 can meet friends in
games
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. There are possibilities that the people they come across may lead them to be better.
Lastly
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, it is all well documented. In a recent study, it was reported that only 7% of children learn
violence
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 from the media. The youth are severely underestimated
,
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;
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 they can tell right from wrong.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that there may be solid arguments defending both parties. I firmly believe that
violence
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on
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in
show examples
games
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 and media definitely affects children.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view, so you answer all parts of the task. Make your view even clearer in the first paragraph: say that violent games and TV can have a bad effect, mainly when children watch or play too much without help from adults.
task response
Some main points need more proof. For example, the claim that crime is now more common because of games is very broad. Explain how games may affect some children, and also say that family life, school, friends, and rules can affect behaviour.
task response
Your example about army applications is not fully linked to children becoming violent. Use examples that directly support your point, such as a young child copying bad words or actions after seeing them many times.
task response
The second side is not fully developed. Explain why many children can enjoy violent games without becoming violent: they know it is not real, parents can set rules, and age limits can help.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, one paragraph for each side, and conclusion. Keep this shape, but make each body paragraph focus on one main idea and explain it well.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are too quick. For example, after saying that games are fun, the point about limits needs a clearer link. You could write: 'However, this does not mean that children should be free to watch or play anything they want.'
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'First', 'Second', and 'Lastly' help, but each point should also have an explanation and an example. Do not move to a new point before the last one is clear.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear sentences such as 'Lastly, movies have crimes.' Say exactly what you mean, for example: 'Many films show crime, and some young children may copy what they see if no adult explains that it is wrong.'
task response
You give a clear personal view and repeat it in the conclusion. This makes your position easy to understand.
task response
You include ideas for both sides, such as harm from copying violence and the fun and social side of games.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader that both views will be discussed, and the conclusion brings the essay to a clear end.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing and basic signposts such as 'On the other hand' and 'In conclusion' well.
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