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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on children. Others say that these games are only fun and have no effect on children. Discuss both ideas and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Society is very different today from the past.
Television
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 and
computer
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games
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 are impressive technologies. It has changed the world for the better.
This
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 essay will examine why some people believe that
violence
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 on
television
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 and
computer
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games
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 can detriment on
children
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.
Body paragraph 1
There are many reasons why some people think that
violence
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 on
television
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 and
computer
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games
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 is dangerous for
children
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.
First,
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children
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 who watch
violence
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 many times can become adapted towards
violence
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.
For example
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, they will watch
computer
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games
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 more bloody than they did before.
In addition
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, they can not stop playing those
games
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 because they become addicted.
Second,
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the
violence
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 in
computer
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games
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 can cause health problems.
For
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instance
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, it can damage the brains of
children
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.
Moreover
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, it can make
children
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 weak because they watch it for a long time without doing any physical activity.
Third,
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the
violence
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 on
television
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 and in
computer
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games
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 can teach
children
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 how to be violent.
For
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instance
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,
children
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 who watch
violence
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 are violent towards their siblings.
Furthermore
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, they always feel angry , and they can not feel relaxed.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some people believe that
games
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 are for fun and they are not detrimental.
First,
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children
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 can spend their time in
games
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 to feel delighted.
For example
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, they spend their time with friends in
games
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.
Also
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, there are many funny
games
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 that
children
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 can play.
Second,
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playing
computer
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games
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 can make
children
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skilful
Correct your spelling
skilled
.
For
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instance
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, many researchers say that playing
computer
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games
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 can enhance the focus of
children
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.
Additionally
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, they teach the
children
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 about technology.
Third,
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they assist
children
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 in making friendships with others.
For
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instance
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,
children
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 can communicate with any person through
computer
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games
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.
Furthermore
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, they can make server chats with others about any notions.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
it is clear that
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 both ideas are possible.
Children
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 watch too much
violence
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. In my opinion, I believe that
violence
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 on
television
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 and the internet affects
children
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 in a bad way.

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task response
Discuss both sides in a more even way. The first side has more detail than the second side. Give a clear view in the first part and keep this view clear to the end.
task response
Make your main ideas more exact. For example, say that violent games may make some children see violent acts as normal, rather than saying they can damage the brain.
task response
Use real and clear examples. Some examples do not fully show the point, such as children watching games that are more bloody. Explain what may happen in daily life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: start, one side, the other side, and end. Keep this form, but make the start answer the full question, including both views and your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Link each idea to the next more clearly. Use words such as "As a result", "However", and "For this reason" only when they show the true link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has many points. Choose two strong points in each paragraph and explain them more. This will make the ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words from the question. Do not change from "computer games" to "the internet", because the last word gives a different meaning.
task response
You answer both views and give your own view at the end.
task response
You give reasons for harm, such as habit, lack of body activity, and angry acts. You also give good points about games, such as fun, focus, and making friends.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are easy to see, and each paragraph has a clear main side.
coherence and cohesion
You use simple link words such as "First", "In addition", "On the other hand", and "In conclusion" to help the reader follow your work.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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