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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A recent study showed people in developed countries are not as happy as they were before development. What are the causes of this and what are some possible solutions?

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Introduction
While
Linking Words
countries
Use synonyms
 and governments are running after developing their economies. Citizens lost their faith and happiness because of the massive price they paid. In
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
show examples
essay
Punctuation problem
essay,
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 I will be explaining the causes of
lossing
Correct your spelling
losing
 happiness, trying to find out logical solutions.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with , we need to understand what's happening around us and the main reason why
people
Use synonyms
 in the industry and developed
countries
Use synonyms
 lost passion and joy ,
while
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 in general
countries
Use synonyms
 that
considered
Wrong verb form
consider
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 the
intertament
Correct your spelling
internet
 a main part of the culture are happy. Citizens who are in developed
countries
Use synonyms
 work more than
any citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 in a
regular
Correct word choice
developing
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 country .They mange there work
arranging
Punctuation problem
, arranging
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there
Use the right word
their
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 stuff
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 never stop planning for
future
Correct article usage
the future
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 ,
while
Linking Words
 the mind goes crazy scrimming for rest
causing
Punctuation problem
, causing
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 sadness rather
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
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 enjoying life.Human beings are creatures
also
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 they need to have rest and vacation.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, many opinions were given about the issue
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 the real solution was given by the scientists. They found reasonable solutions for the problem by asking governments to
dicrease
Correct your spelling
decrease
 working hours , adding some entertainment in working centers providing rest and sport facilities for employees . All these things
whenever
Punctuation problem
, whenever
show examples
its
Fix the agreement mistake
they're
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 provided in industrial and large areas where
people
Use synonyms
 work , It carries high impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their happiness .In
fact
Add a comma
fact,
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people
Use synonyms
 need to travel or at
lest
Use the right word
least
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 take a break from the world to
re-charge
Correct your spelling
recharge
 themselves.
Conclusion
In the conclusion , I would like to say that whenever the developer gives a positive environment for the workers
it
Punctuation problem
, it
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 will income goods for sure .
Moreover
Linking Words
, it will help growth even
to stay
Verb problem
apply
show examples
for the next generations.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give clear causes, such as long work hours, high costs, stress, and less time with family and friends. Then give a solution for each cause.
task response
Explain each main idea with more detail. For example, show how long work hours can make people tired and leave little time for rest, family, or fun.
task response
Use one or two clear real-life examples. You could describe a worker who works late every day and has no time for sport or family, then show how shorter hours may help.
task response
Be careful with broad claims, such as saying people in "general countries" are happier. Explain your point in a more careful way and avoid comparing all countries.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Make the first paragraph more direct: say that the essay will discuss causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main cause in each body paragraph, or use one paragraph for causes and one for solutions. This will make the order easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words more clearly: "First," "Also," "As a result," "For this reason," and "In conclusion." Do not begin a solution paragraph with "However" because it does not show a clear contrast.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between ideas clearer. For example: "Because people work for long hours, they have less time to rest. As a result, they may feel stressed and unhappy."
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same ideas about work and rest without adding a new point. Add clear details about money pressure, housing costs, or less time with loved ones.
task response
You address both causes and solutions, and your main idea about long work hours and lack of rest is relevant.
task response
Your solutions, such as shorter work hours, rest areas, sport, and travel, are connected to the problem.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as "To begin with," "However," "In fact," and "In conclusion."
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • urbanization
  • technological advancements
  • social isolation
  • communication tools
  • work-related stress
  • material wealth
  • consumerism
  • economic status
  • meaningful experiences
  • relationships
  • environmental concerns
  • pollution
  • climate change
  • overpopulation
  • mental health
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • physical health
  • mental health problems
  • anxiety
  • helplessness
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