IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people do not like changes and prefer to do things they are good at, while other people like taking risks and trying new things. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that change has povital role in our lives.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that staying on the same lifestyle is the perfect way of living, there is
also
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 an argument that trying new things is a necessity of living.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, some people prefer to do the same things that they are used to doing.
In other words
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, they think trying a new thing needs more effort and is time-consuming
Punctuation problem
;
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moreover
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, getting out
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 comfort zone makes them feel anxious and worried.
For example
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, when someone is getting used to using an IOS system for a long time , he cannot take a risk to try a new system like andriod which is completely different ,so maybe
will
Correct pronoun usage
it will
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 not be
an
Correct article usage
apply
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appropriate for him.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some people believe that being a risk taker allows one to create various of opportunites which help to grow. It is
also
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 possible to say that engaging in something new could provide tremendous experiences and skills as a door to getting a chance to hire in a specific job.
For instance
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, nowadays, companies and institutions , when they are planning to hire someone ,
mainly they are
Correct word order
are mainly
show examples
 focused on people who have the ability to renew and generate ideas and improve themselves constantly.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there is no easy answer to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that with
this
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technology
Replace the word
technological
 era, being renewable becomes mandatory for improvement.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view, so you answer all parts of the task. Make your own view clearer in the main body, not only in the last part.
task response
Explain each main idea more fully. For the first view, show why a safe and known way can save time or lower worry. For the second view, show how new things can lead to new skills, work, or a better life.
task response
Use examples that are clear and fully linked to your point. The phone system example is useful, but explain why changing it may cause real problems for the user. The work example needs one more clear detail.
task response
Some ideas are too broad, such as saying change is needed for life. Give a clear reason and a short real-life example to make these ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first view, second view, then your view. Keep this simple plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main point. Then add an explanation and an example. This will make each paragraph easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. In the first body paragraph, join the ideas more smoothly: “Trying new things can take more time. Also, leaving their comfort zone can make them feel worried.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Break them into two or three short sentences, especially in the phone and job examples.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last part more direct. State your view in one clear sentence, then give the main reason for it.
task response
You cover both sides of the topic: people who like familiar things and people who like new risks.
task response
Your own view is clear at the end: you believe change is important in modern life.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a clear four-part shape, with an opening, two body parts, and a final part.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” help guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • stability
  • consistency
  • minimizes
  • mastery
  • expertise
  • novel
  • embracing
  • contributing
  • engaging
  • resistance
  • stem from
  • hinder
  • resilience
  • adaptability
  • fast-paced
  • optimal
  • assessing
  • beneficial
  • leverage
  • boundaries
  • fulfilling
  • dynamic
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