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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Life in many cities around the world is becoming so expensive that one day only rich people will be able to live there. What are the causes of this situation? What measures could be taken to solve the problem?

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Introduction
These days,
living
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
cost
Use synonyms
has
Change preposition
of living has
show examples
rosen
Correct your spelling
risen
 exponentially in most of the cities. It is believed that only
elite
Correct article usage
the elite
show examples
 class
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 be staying in these metropolitan areas in future.
Their
Use the right word
There
show examples
 are many reasons that have contributed to
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon.
This
Linking Words
 essay will
be focusing
Wrong verb form
focus
show examples
 on the causes
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 and the measures that can be taken to curb
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, common people in cities are finding it difficult to face the increase in living
Use synonyms
cost
Check wording
costs
show examples
. Now, they have to pay more to survive and cover the basic expenses
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 utilities,rent and
grocery
Check wording
groceries
show examples
. There are many factors that have contributed to
this
Linking Words
 scenario,
for
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
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due to
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surge
Correct article usage
a surge
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 in population, housing demand has peaked.
Their
Use the right word
There
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 are more tenants as compared to
availability
Correct article usage
the availability
show examples
 of houses. Moving forward, the abundance of workforce for the existing jobs
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
has increased
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unemployment.
Therefore
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, folks have to look for alternative employment, and they do not earn
much
Rephrase
as much
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 as
compared to they have earned
Correct word order
they used to
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, if an engineer
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to drive a taxi, it is
obivious thay
Correct your spelling
obvious that
this
Linking Words
 job would not pay
as
Rephrase
as much as
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 the engineering designation would have
payed
Wrong verb form
paid
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.
Hence
Linking Words
, the folks who are rich can survive in
this
Linking Words
 sort of environment.
Body paragraph 2
In continuation, there are some remedies to improve the condition. The government should keep the basic infrastructure updated
according to
Linking Words
 the situation and should
also
Linking Words
 be prepared for the future. The most important part is played by housing. If the ratio of demand and availability of homes is kept in equilibrium, the
cost
Use synonyms
 of dwelling can be kept in check. The governing bodies should encourage more investment in
employment
Correct article usage
the employment
show examples
 sector. They should bring more industries, so that more people can get their desired job. The increase in factotries help both
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 citizens and the government. In case of the commoners, they can earn more and tackle increased expenditure,
where as
Correct your spelling
whereas
 governing bodies can get more revenue and they can increase their spending to develop the basic infrastructure.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
It
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 is evident that rising living
cost
Use synonyms
 has made it harsh for people to stay in cities, but
this
Linking Words
 trend can be reversed by implementing some changes.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: causes and ways to solve the problem. To make your answer stronger, explain each cause in more detail. For example, show how more people moving to a city can raise both rent and food prices.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some are too general. Add one real or clear example for each solution. For housing, you could say that the state can build low-cost homes near public transport.
task response
Be careful with the idea about jobs. More people looking for work may lower pay for some jobs, but it does not always cause unemployment. Explain this link more clearly or use a simpler cause, such as high land prices and not enough homes.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, causes, solutions, and ending. Keep this plan, but use more direct topic sentences at the start of each main paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer linking words when they do not add meaning. Phrases such as “Moving forward” and “In continuation” sound unnatural here. Simple links like “Also”, “As a result”, and “For this reason” are better.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between sentences clearer. For example, after saying there are not enough homes, state the result directly: “As a result, owners can ask for higher rent.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and hard to follow. Split them into two short sentences, especially in the paragraph about jobs and factories.
task response
You deal with both the causes and the solutions, and your ideas stay on the topic.
task response
The example of an engineer driving a taxi helps show how lower-paid work can make city life hard.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the ending gives a clear final view.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are in a logical order, with causes first and solutions after that.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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