IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

“Prison is the only truly effective form of punishment, because it separates criminals from society.” To what extent do you support this view? You should give reasons for your answer, and include ideas and examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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Introduction
Nowadays,
people
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 love to engage in criminal activities and get caught at the same
time
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 , which dignifies their records , and
while
Linking Words
,
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apply
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 keeping them away from modern societies, they put them in prison to keep them away from society. These things can be , to some extent , good for
people
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 and some not. In my point of view, its is not necessary to
while
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,
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apply
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 putting them in jail to learn something.
Body paragraph 1
As we see, mostly
people
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 are influenced by movies, and they want to become hero for their own lives. But
,
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 the main problem was that they applied all these fictional things to a living human, making them a prisoner for some reason.
Moreover
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, if we look after a person and check out their mentality,
this
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 will help to prevent any kind of
crime
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.
For instance
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, if we started mental health facilities in schools, which help in knowing the psychological nature of a child. Helps in provide them with a sufficient amount of treatment at that
time
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 , and it will
also
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 reduce the number of crimes and prisoners
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apply
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also
Linking Words
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, locking them up in jail will make them more aggressive and dangerous than if they live with their family. As a prison locks different kinds of
people
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 in a particular area , it will be very difficult to find out the mentality of an individual and what grudges and intentions they harbour at the same
time
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.
For example
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, in the USA, in 2010, criminals who
crime
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 for their protection became more vulnerable in the central jail.
Although
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,
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apply
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 the intention was different but companies he was connected with will disturb their mind.
Therefore
Linking Words
, indulging them in positive work will help them to lead a good life.
Conclusion
In conclusion, prison ent is not the only solution for their
crime
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,
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;
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along with
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 that, a lot more risks and factors should be considered at the same
time
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.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
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 shows improvement in the rate of
crime
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 and punishment.

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task response
State your main view in a clear way at the start. Say if you agree, disagree, or agree only in part. Then keep this same view in each body paragraph.
task response
Answer the key idea in the question: is prison the only truly effective punishment because it keeps criminals away from society? Your essay talks more about mental health and crime causes, so link each point back to prison and other forms of punishment.
task response
Develop each main point with a simple reason and a clear example. For example, prison can protect the public from violent people, but work, study, and mental health help may stop some people from doing crime again.
task response
Use examples that are clear and easy to explain. The USA example is hard to understand and has unclear details. A general example about a young person getting help at school would work better.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, one paragraph about why prison can work, one paragraph about why it is not the only answer, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add reasons and an example. Do not move from films to mental health to prison without showing how the ideas connect.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words correctly: 'First', 'However', 'For example', 'As a result', and 'In conclusion'. Avoid long sentences with many commas, as they make the meaning hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make pronouns clear. Instead of 'they' or 'them', say 'criminals', 'people in prison', or 'young people' when needed. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
task response
You give a clear general view that prison is not the only answer, and you suggest help and positive work as other ways to deal with crime.
task response
You try to use examples, including school mental health help and a prison example. This shows an effort to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. You also use linking words such as 'Moreover', 'For instance', and 'On the other hand'.
coherence and cohesion
The second body paragraph has one main direction: prison may make some people more dangerous. This is a useful point for your view.
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