IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In some parts of the world, people buy far too many clothes. What are the reasons for this? How can people be persuaded to reduce the number of clothes they buy?

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Introduction
In our modern
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 we face huge social differences. Some countries are incredibly rich
while
Linking Words
 others are terribly poor. People who were lucky to be born in wealthy countries spend too much on food and
clothes
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Why does it happen? I believe there are at least three reasons for
this
Linking Words
. First of
all
Punctuation problem
all,
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 the amount of advertisement they receive via TV, Instagram,
Youtube
Capitalize the proper name
YouTube
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, you name it. People see a variety of
outits
Correct your spelling
outfits
that
Linking Words
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 offered with a discount, so they continue to buy more
clothes
Use synonyms
. Sometimes they wear it once or even let it wait for the perfect moment that will never
comes
Wrong verb form
come
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 in the closet.
Second
Correct article usage
The second
show examples
 reason is poor financial health. People do not know how to save and invest money, so they spend the better half of their salary at the nearest store. The third reason is the events
any
Correct pronoun usage
that any
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 big city offers. Those who visit cinemas, restaurants, bars,
concerts
Correct word choice
and concerts
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 want to look chic. So you simply have to spend money on your looks in big cities.
Conclusion
How can we stop buying
clothes
Use synonyms
 we do not need? I think you could watch less add on TV, be yourself,
buy
Correct word choice
and buy
show examples
 only comfortable
thing
Check wording
things
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. If you need to attend an event, do purchase
clothes
Use synonyms
 you will be
ale
Correct your spelling
able
 to wear in your everyday life. By the
way
Add a comma
way,
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 decluttering is a
moder
Correct your spelling
modern
 thing to do now. It saves your home from extra
clothes
Use synonyms
 and things
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it
also
Linking Words
 saves your money for travelling! Do become a minimalist traveller!

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Give clear reasons why people buy too many clothes, then give clear ways to help them buy less.
task response
Your main ideas are useful, but some need more support. For example, explain how ads, sales, and social media make people feel they need new clothes.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. You could describe a person who buys cheap sale items online, wears them once, and then buys more the next week.
task response
Some points are too wide, such as rich and poor countries. Keep the focus on buying too many clothes, not on all social differences.
task response
Make the second part stronger. Ideas such as making a shopping list, waiting before buying, and not following sale ads would be clear and useful.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, a paragraph for reasons, and a paragraph for answers. However, add a short ending that sums up your main message.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph. The paragraph about reasons has three ideas, so it would be easier to read if each reason had its own short paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully: “First”, “Second”, “Finally”, “For example”, and “As a result” can show the order and link your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of word or grammar problems. For example, write “the amount of advertising people see” and “clothes that are on sale”.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word forms and spelling. Examples: “outfits”, “comes”, “ads”, “things”, “able”, and “modern”.
task response
You give several reasons for buying too many clothes, including ads, poor money habits, and the wish to look good at social events.
task response
You also give ways to buy less, such as watching fewer ads, buying useful clothes, and clearing out extra items.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because you use questions to move from reasons to answers.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “First of all”, “Second”, and “The third reason” help the reader see the order of your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • clothes
  • buy
  • many
  • few
  • cheap
  • price
  • sale
  • shop
  • store
  • online
  • trend
  • fashion
  • media
  • ad
  • pressure
  • need
  • plan
  • budget
  • waste
  • reuse
  • repair
  • donate
  • secondhand
  • wardrobe
  • closet
  • space
  • storage
  • habit
  • impulse
  • choice
  • decision
  • quality
  • value
  • keep
  • wear
  • outgrow
  • example
  • experience
  • I
  • my
  • people
  • world
  • simple
  • change
  • buy less
  • durable
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