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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people say that the only way to guarantee to get a good job is to complete a course in university education. Other claims that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work. How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?

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Introduction
Nowadays ,individuals are more interested in their job opportunities. They mainly focused on how to build up their career more effectively.
Whereas
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,
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apply
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 some thought getting a job after their schooling would help them to gain more
experience
Use synonyms
 apart from higher studies. It's a contradictory statement, but in my opinion i totally disagree with
this
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 statement.
Body paragraph 1
To commence with, students who got admission in universities have more opportunities.
In addition
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, they gained knowledge regarding multiple courses
which
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, which
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 will help them to get a job quickly.
For instance
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, in the USA, an article was published in the famous newspaper called " THE HINDUSTAN TIME",
says
Wrong verb form
saying
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 people who have been qualified from universities are more likely to sharpen their future and their growth rate
was
Wrong verb form
is
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 triple than the people who start working after their schooling. Higher studies help students to grow their future more efficiently ,
along with
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 better productive ideas.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, work
experience
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just
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, just
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 like
schooling
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schooling,
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 binds them to one position
and
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, and
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 they are not able to approach multiple positions .
However
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, they got
experience
Use synonyms
 much faster , and
this
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 makes them proud of themselves. One study shows
,
Correct word choice
that
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 people who started working at an early age gain more knowledge than those who just came after their completion of the course in the same field.
Nevertheless
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, it makes sense in some aspect of the point , and
this
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also
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 indicates it is
also
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 pretty much
importantalso
Correct your spelling
important
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, as we have seen, having professional and reliable knowledge regarding the work from a designated place helps to grow industries
as well as
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 pupils
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apply
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also
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.
While
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, less
experience
Use synonyms
 are more capable of making mistakes with an inadequate amount of skills and practical
.
Check wording
experience.
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task response
Your main view is not fully clear. You say you disagree, but it is not clear if you disagree with university study, work after school, or both views. State your view in the first paragraph and keep it the same in all parts.
task response
Answer the full question by comparing both paths. Explain why university can lead to good jobs, but also why work experience can help some people. Then say which path is best and why.
task response
Make each main idea more clear. For example, university can give needed skills for jobs such as doctor, teacher, or engineer. Early work can give real skills, money, and a chance to learn what job a person likes.
task response
Your USA newspaper example is not clear and may not be true. Use a simple, clear example instead: "A person who wants to be a nurse needs university training, while a person who wants to work in sales may learn well through work."
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body parts, and an ending. This is a good start. However, the ideas in each body paragraph need to link more clearly to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. Start the first body paragraph with your point about university. Start the second with the other view, then explain why you still do not agree with it fully.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used in the wrong way. "Whereas" and "However" should show a clear difference between two ideas. Do not use many link words if the meaning is not clear.
coherence and cohesion
The ending should repeat your main view in a direct way. Do not add a new idea about mistakes there. Say clearly which choice you think gives people the best chance of a good job.
task response
You discuss both university study and starting work after school, so you have understood the two main views in the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay uses a clear overall form: opening paragraph, two main paragraphs, and a final paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as "For instance", "On the other hand", and "In conclusion" to guide the reader through your ideas.
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