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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some believe that having an enjoyable job is more important than to earn a lot of money while some believe that good salary will ensure a better life . Discuss both views .

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Introduction
While
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 some believe that getting an enjoyable
job
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 is more important than
salary
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 ,others argue that
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
salary
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 will ensure
better
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a better
show examples
life
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and whether to
priortise
Correct your spelling
prioritise
 fun or
salary
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 when searching for a
job
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the
on
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other
show examples
 hand, having an
intersting
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interesting
job
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 is more
long lasting
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long-lasting
, because the employees will always have
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 reason to go to
a wor
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work
 they enjoy.
For example
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,in jobs related to art and music ,workers tend to work for hours and the time runs without them
felling
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feeling
show examples
as a result
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 of their enjoyment.
Whereas
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, most workers that overwhelmed with an unenjoyable
job
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 wait for their
retirements
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retirement
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
salary
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 is an important point to focus on
while
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 searching for a
job
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.Good payment will ensure
better
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a better
show examples
life
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 for both
indiviuals
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individuals
 and families.One reason is that
life
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 is getting more expensive
and
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, and
show examples
 keeping up with technology demands more money.
For example
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, every year a new device is released,
as a
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result
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result,
show examples
 other devices become less updated
which
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, which
show examples
 makes it mandatory to buy that device in some cases.
Therefore
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, our daily
life
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 depends on money and that
illustates
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illustrates
 that a person
shoud
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should
 have a good income to maintain a better
life
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 an employee should maintain a good temper to enjoy the
job
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 and reduce stress ,I
belive
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believe
 that earning a good income is more important than enjoying the
job
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.Earning a good amount of money is a survival plan for the risk of future changes.

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Task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view, which answers the question well. To make your response stronger, explain more clearly why job enjoyment may matter more than money for some people, such as health, stress, and long-term work life.
Task response
Your ideas about money are clear, but the example about new devices is not fully convincing. A better example is rent, food, health care, children, and saving for hard times. These show more directly how pay can lead to a better life.
Task response
Make your main view clear in the introduction. You can say that both job enjoyment and pay matter, but you believe a good income should come first because it meets basic needs.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one paragraph for each view, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. For example, use 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand'. Do not use 'Whereas' to begin a new idea after a full example; start a new sentence or use 'However' instead.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because words are missing or the order is unclear. For example, write: 'People who dislike their jobs may spend years waiting for retirement.' Shorter sentences will make your ideas easier to read.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'better life' and 'good salary' too often. You can use simple changes such as 'higher pay', 'enough money', 'a more comfortable life', and 'financial safety'.
Task response
You cover both views and clearly state your own opinion in the conclusion.
Task response
The point that rising living costs make income important is relevant and easy to understand.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is divided into clear paragraphs, and each main paragraph has one main focus.
Coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion help the reader understand the topic and your final view.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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