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Writing Samples
Band 5

More and more business meeting and business training have taken place on the internet. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages

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Introduction
Nowadays, business
meetings
Use synonyms
 and training tend to take place online. I think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Body paragraph 1
One disadvantage is that
employees
Use synonyms
 can easily lose focus during online
meetings
Use synonyms
 or
training
Punctuation problem
training,
show examples
 as
Use synonyms
employees
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 tend to drive and talk with their children.
Consequently
Linking Words
, decisions are made without their input, and mistakes appear in their
work
Use synonyms
 afterwards. A team needs to trust each other and discuss their
work
Use synonyms
 in person
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 leads to more teamwork and productivity.
In addition
Linking Words
, online
meetings
Use synonyms
 make it harder to trust a coworker,
for example
Linking Words
, not having the time to know them
Linking Words
whereas
Punctuation problem
, whereas
show examples
 in-person
meetings
Use synonyms
 usually begin with small talk and jokes.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, online
meetings
Use synonyms
 have a variety of advantages because it is more convenient and easier than
in person
Correct your spelling
in-person
,
for example
Linking Words
, business
meetings
Use synonyms
 online take less time to wait for each individual,
not
Correct word choice
and not
show examples
 getting late for a meeting
due to
Linking Words
 traffic and distance to the office.
Employees
Use synonyms
 might live far from the office.
As a result
Linking Words
, they get burnout
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 affects their
work
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 and leads them to resign, and the company loses experienced staff
it
Correct pronoun usage
that it
show examples
 cannot easily replace. Online
meetings
Use synonyms
 fix
this
Linking Words
 issue because they can
work
Use synonyms
 from home without worrying about traffic or distance. Online
meetings
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 allow
employees
Use synonyms
 to attend when they are unwell or dealing with an emergency.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 online
meetings
Use synonyms
 can weaken trust between colleagues and make it easier to lose focus, I believe their advantages outweigh these drawbacks, as they save time and allow
employees
Use synonyms
 to attend from anywhere.

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task response
Your main view is clear: the good points are stronger than the bad points. To make this view more convincing, explain why saving time and travel is more important than the loss of focus and trust. You can say that meetings can have clear rules, while long travel cannot always be avoided.
task response
Give more full support for each main point. For example, explain how working from home can help a parent, a person who lives far away, or a worker in another city. Also explain how a company can reduce loss of focus, such as by asking people to turn on cameras or giving short breaks.
task response
Some examples are ideas, not real examples. Add one short, clear case: a worker who saves two hours of travel each day can use that time for work or rest. This will make your points feel more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, one paragraph for bad points, one for good points, and a clear end. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body paragraph show the main idea more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and join many ideas with commas. Break them into shorter sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow. For example, write: “Some workers live far from the office. Long travel can make them tired. This can harm their work.”
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words such as “for example”, “as a result”, and “however” are useful, but make sure the next sentence fully matches the link. Do not put too many different ideas in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
The point about trust needs a clearer order. First say why online work can make trust harder. Then give the small-talk example. Finally, explain how this may harm team work.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same view from the start to the end.
task response
You include both sides of the topic and give useful good points, such as less travel, less time lost, and the chance to join from home.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear, and the body paragraphs are easy to see.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts, such as “One disadvantage”, “However”, “In addition”, and “In conclusion”.
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