IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

young people often influenced in their behavior by others in the same age group. Some argue that peer pressure is important while others feel it has distinct disadvantages. Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages?

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Introduction
Some individuals think that
friend
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friends
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 can be beneficial in terms of the development of kids,
while
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 others argue that
this
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 has its own drawbacks. Despite the advantages, the disadvantages of
this
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 issue are more significant, which I will discuss in the essay below.
Body paragraph 1
Looking at the advantage,
firstly
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, it appears that
that
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apply
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peer
pressure
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 can benefit
children
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 in the development of their knowledge, especially if
friend
Correct article usage
a friend
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 has achieved something more prestigious.
This
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 might lead the
parents
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 to support their
children
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 in order to achieve
te
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the
 same achievement.
For instance
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,
children
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 in Indonesia sometimes make their peers
as
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apply
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their
opponent
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opponents
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 in
academic
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academics
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, especially in biology, so that whenever they do not know the answer
of
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to
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 a question, they will be pressured to want to know more.
Body paragraph 2
We should not ignore the disadvantages that
this
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 situation might bring
,
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;
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firstly
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, each person has their own
specialty
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speciality
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.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 should not compare their
children
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 to their peers because of what they achieve.
This
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 sometimes
lead
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leads
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 them to have more social
pressure
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 and mental health
, and
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issues, and
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 think that they are not excellent enough to get their
parents
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' attention.
Additionally
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, peer
pressure
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 could lead the
children
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 to have a toxic environment, since
parents
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 tend to lack
of
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apply
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information of another friendship thay the peers have.
For example
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, a group of people sometimes have hidden
friendship
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friendships
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 because of drug abuse, so that once the kids are influenced by them, the kids will do the same thing as other people do.
Conclusion
In summary, the benefit of having
pressure
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 seems to be credible in terms of
children
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's development. We still cannot ignore that the drawbacks
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such
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, such
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 as psychological health and
toxic
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a toxic
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environment
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environment,
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 must be considered.

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task response
State your main view more clearly at the start: the bad sides are stronger than the good sides. Keep the whole essay focused on peer pressure, not mainly on parents comparing children.
task response
Develop each main idea further. Explain how peer pressure can help young people work harder, then explain why stress, bad friends, or drug use can cause more serious harm.
task response
Use examples that directly show peer pressure. For example, a student may study harder because friends get high marks, or may start using drugs to fit in with a group.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Make the first sentence of each body part state one clear idea, then give an explanation and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. Instead of repeating "firstly," try "On the one hand," "However," "As a result," and "For this reason."
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as "this issue" and "this situation." Say exactly what you mean, such as "peer pressure" or "pressure from friends."
coherence and cohesion
Keep one subject in each paragraph. The second body part moves between peer pressure, parents, and friends. Explain the link between them more clearly.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear overall view that the bad sides are more important.
task response
Your examples about school work and drug use are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as "For instance," "Therefore," "Additionally," and "In summary."
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