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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Traffic and housing problems can be solved if moving big companies, factories and their employees out of cities. Agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays, two major
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in urban
Use synonyms
area's
Check wording
areas
show examples
 are
traffic
Use synonyms
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
housing
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 to solve these issuses
companies
Use synonyms
 need
move
Verb problem
to move
show examples
 out of
cities
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. I disagree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the statement, moving out is not a great idea, and transportation
cost
Correct subject-verb agreement
costs
show examples
 more for
organaizations
Correct your spelling
organisations
.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, in
metropolitain
Correct your spelling
metropolitan
Use synonyms
cities
Add a comma
cities,
show examples
traffic
Use synonyms
 congestion is one of the biggest
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
. Everday couple of hours in the morning and evening comon people
facing
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
traffic
Use synonyms
 from
monday
Capitalize the proper name
Monday
show examples
 to
friday
Capitalize the proper name
Friday
show examples
,
becuase of
Correct your spelling
because
 almost all
the employee's
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
 start at
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 time.
For example
Linking Words
, all the
companies
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 and
factories timming
Check wording
factories' timings
show examples
 are 8am to 5pm
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 all the
job holders
Correct your spelling
jobholders
 are travelling at
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 time. To mitigate
this
Linking Words
issue
Punctuation problem
issue,
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 all
companies
Use synonyms
 should provide transportation like a bus for all
the employee's
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
, and by decresing own mode of transport
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traffic
Punctuation problem
, traffic
show examples
 can be
reduce
Wrong verb form
reduced
show examples
, and for
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
factories
Punctuation problem
, factories
show examples
 do not need to move out of
cities
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
Secondally
Correct your spelling
Secondly
, finding a house to life is
where
Rephrase
apply
show examples
hard in
cities
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,
specially
Use the right word
especially
show examples
 near
manufactor
Replace the word
manufacturing
 units. usually people near any large software or hardware
companies
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 in
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
area
Use synonyms
and
Verb problem
find
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 it is so hard to locate a place
stay
Verb problem
to stay
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 there because all the
employee's
Check wording
employees
show examples
 want to live near
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work. To
slove
Correct your spelling
solve
this
Linking Words
 common campaines need to provide
house's
Replace the word
housing
 for all the job holders.
For instance
Linking Words
,
sangam dairy
Capitalize the proper name
Sangam Dairy
show examples
 in
india
Capitalize the proper name
India
show examples
 faced
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
peoblem
Correct your spelling
problem
 in the year 2002
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 to solve
this
Linking Words
 factor started buliding house for them inside
dairy
Correct article usage
the dairy
show examples
area
Use synonyms
and
Correct word choice
, so that
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 all the
worker's
Check wording
workers
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 can walk to their work
everyday
Use the right word
every day
show examples
, and common people do not have any housing
problem
Use synonyms
 in that
area
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, if
compaines
Correct your spelling
companies
 move out of the
cities
Use synonyms
transportation
Punctuation problem
, transportation
show examples
cost
Correct subject-verb agreement
costs
show examples
 more for them, and by providing
common
Correct article usage
a common
show examples
 mode of transport for all the job holders and having houses inside the
organizantion
Correct your spelling
organisation
 can solve those two problems.

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task response
Your view is clear: you do not agree that big firms should move out of cities. However, explain more fully why this plan would not solve both traffic and housing. Also say why your own ideas would work better in many cities, not only in one case.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear chain: problem, cause, your answer, and result. For example, say how work buses cut the number of cars, and why this can help traffic at busy times.
task response
Be careful with the housing idea. Asking all firms to build homes for all workers may be hard and very costly. Add limits or other ways, such as more homes, better public travel, or different work times.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Make the first line more direct: state your view and name the two main reasons you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the second body part, begin with a simple topic line about housing, then explain the cause, give the example, and link it back to your view.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. You can use “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In contrast”. Do not join too many ideas in one long sentence; use full stops to make the meaning easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some words are repeated often, such as “all the employees” and “common people”. Use short clear forms such as “workers”, “residents”, and “people” where the meaning is clear.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same view from the start to the end.
task response
You give two relevant city problems and suggest practical answers: company buses and homes near work.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are placed in a useful order: traffic first, housing next, then a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
The example about a dairy firm helps show how your housing idea could work in real life.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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