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Writing Samples
Band 6

The pie charts show the average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia in 2010

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The pie charts show the average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia in 2010
The above charts depict the yearly average
spendings
Check wording
spending
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 per
house
Check wording
household
show examples
 in
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 in 2010. The main trends that are directly identified are that households in general spend most of their money on "housing", "health care"
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 well as "other goods and services". Turning to
Japan
Use synonyms
's chart, we observe the highest percentage of
spendings
Replace the word
spending
 on "housing" with 29%,
while
Linking Words
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 only has 26%. Another major difference where
Japan
Use synonyms
 overcomes
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 is when we turn to the amount
Japanese citizens use on transports
Correct word order
of transport costs Japanese citizens incur
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. Indeed, their percentage is 10 points higher than for
Malaysia
Use synonyms
. Moving on to
Malaysia
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's chart, their most common spendings go to "other goods and services" with a total of 34%
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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Japan
Use synonyms
's figures only show 21%. And
finally
Linking Words
, one less noticeable, but important thing is how much Malaysians invest in the healthcare system,
therefore
Linking Words
 having 27% of yearly expenditures
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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Japans
Correct your spelling
Japan
 comes second with 24%. To
summarize
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summarise
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 the data, "housing" and "goods and services" are both priorities in
Japan
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as well as
Linking Words
 in
Malaysia
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, and are followed by less visible amounts that seem to take a much smaller place in their lives, just like food and
transports
Check wording
transport
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. Still, these are meaningful expenses that are
still
Rephrase
apply
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worth accounting for.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "as well as, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words japan, malaysia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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