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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people think that the fast food industry is responsible for health problems in society, while others believe that individuals are responsible for their own health. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
In
contempory
Correct your spelling
contemporary
 society, junk
food
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 has increasingly become popular among varying groups of
people
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. Some of them maintain that
fast
Correct article usage
the fast
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food
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industry
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 should bear the responsibility for public
health
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 issues,
while
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other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 claim that individuals should be in
charged
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charge
 of their
health
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 status.
This
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 essay will examine both of the opinions and explain why I believe the former should be
responsible
Punctuation problem
responsible,
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 as they are the sources of the whole
problems
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problem
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 and are more capable than ordinary
people
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.
Body paragraph 1
There is no gainsaying that more and more diseases
such
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 as obesity, high
pressure
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blood pressure
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,
high
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and high
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sugar blood
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blood sugar
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 have been common among different groups of
people
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. It is largely attributed to their eating habits that junk
food
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 is replacing
dieted
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diet
food
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. As fast
food
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 is usually regarded as not balanced and is full of oil and salt that will take a toll on
human's
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human
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health
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 if we intake too much. Admittedly, normal
people
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 should care about their own
health
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 and
thus
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 choose
food
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that is
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 more balanced and healthier.
However
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, most of them suffer from hard work to earn their bread
that
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, so
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 they have no time, money
and
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, or
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 energy
in
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for
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 cooking or sitting down in the restaurant. Comparatively, fast
food
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 is characterised
with
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by
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 reasonable
price
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prices
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 and time-saving, becoming the preference for most of the
people
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. In
this
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 sense, individuals are not capable
in
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of
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 changing the situation even though they are aware of the potential risks brought by fast
food
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.
Body paragraph 2
By contrast
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,
fast
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the fast
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food
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industry
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is the culprit of certain
health
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 and is more powerful in making a difference. On one side, for their financial benefits, businessmen invested a lot in
advertisement
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advertising
 to capture
people
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's attention and
further
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 manipulate their purchase decision.
For instance
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, when waiting for a bus at the bus stop,
people
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 may be impressed by the picture of the burger on the screen. Especially children, who are always
thougt as
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thought to
 have not fully developed their judgement and persistence, are more easilly to be influenced by those advertisements.
For
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this
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 reason,
fast
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the fast
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food
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industry
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 cannot escape
their
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its
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 responsibility to ensure public
health
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.
Besides
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,
fast
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the fast
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food
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industry
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 is
also
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 capable
in
Change preposition
of
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 shaping
people
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's eating habits by improving the quality of
food
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. Indeed, some of the fast
food
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restaurant
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restaurants
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 are trying to introduce new
food
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 and
combo
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combos
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that
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 much
more
Rephrase
apply
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healthier.
For example
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, a burger
that is
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 mixed with bread, meat, and
vegetable
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vegetables
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 can provide
people
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 with enough
carbohydrate
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carbohydrates
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, protein, and
vitmin
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vitamins
, ensuring
one day's
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an individual's
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needs
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daily needs
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 of an individual.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
fast
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the fast
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food
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industry
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 is the source of some
health
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-related problems and should bear the responsibility. What is more, compared with ordinary
people
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, it is
undoubttedly
Correct your spelling
undoubtedly
 more
influencial
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influential
 in reshaping the situation of
current
Correct article usage
the current
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 fast
food
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 market in an attempt to improve
people
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's
health
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.

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task response
You answer both sides and give your own view. To make your view stronger, say more clearly that people still have some duty for what they eat, even if food companies have a bigger role.
task response
Give more exact support for your main idea. For example, explain how ads, low prices, and food near schools can make it hard for people to choose better food.
task response
Your burger example needs care. A burger can have bread, meat, and vegetables, but many fast-food meals still have too much salt, fat, and sugar. Explain that better food also means less salt, less fat, and smaller meal sizes.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each body part begin with one short, clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences have too many ideas. Break them into two or three short sentences so the reader can follow your point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas, such as “However”, “For this reason”, “As a result”, and “In addition”. Do not use too many links in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first body part more focused. It starts by saying people are responsible, but it ends by saying they cannot change the problem. State this change in a direct way.
task response
You discuss both views and give a clear opinion that the fast-food industry has the larger duty.
task response
You use relevant ideas about cheap food, lack of time, ads, and children. These fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction tells the reader what the essay will do, and your conclusion clearly returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
The two main body parts have a useful order: first the limits people face, then the power of food companies.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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