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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Introduction
The issue of whether dangerous
sports
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 should be banned by
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 has sparked considerable debate in recent years.Some
people
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 believe that it is freedom to do any
sports
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 or
activity
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,
while
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 others argue that it should be banned
bacause
Correct your spelling
because
 it
is threated
Wrong verb form
threatens
show examples
Use synonyms
people life
Check wording
people's lives
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.
This
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 essay will examine both peerspecives before offering my own opinion.
Although
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 both arguments have their merits,I firmly believe that dangerous
sports
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 or
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activity
Check wording
activities
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 should be banned by the
government
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.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate for
people
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 should have freedom to do any
sports
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 or
activity
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 argue that each person have responsibilty for their own
protect
Replace the word
protection
.
For instance
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,if a man
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
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 to try a hazardous
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sports
Fix the agreement mistake
sport
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such
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 as motorcycle,he is an adult and should be responsible for
him self
Correct your spelling
himself
.
Furthermore
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,many
people
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 are intersted to try adventure activities
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they desire to participate in risky
sports
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.
In addition
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,many adults have the courage to
participatein
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participate in
 risky
activites
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activities
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,many who hold the belief that dangerous
sports
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 should be banned by the
government
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 emphasise that many teenagers
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are reckless and
they
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apply
show examples
have no one to monitor them .
For instance
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,if a boy whose parents are dead and does not have a guardian,he might try a risky sport or
activity
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.
Howover
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However
,many families encourage the
government
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 to ban hazardous
sports
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 or
activiteis
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activities
 because they are worried that their children might get hurt
while
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 participating in dangerous
sports
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 or activities.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are valid arguments on both sides,I firmly believe the
government
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 should ban dangerous
sports
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 or activities.The reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate that it is dangerous for
people
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 and could
their
Verb problem
lead to their
show examples
 deaths.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view, so you answer all parts of the task. However, your ideas need more clear support. Explain why adults should be free to choose, and why a ban may protect young people.
task response
Your examples are too simple and not fully clear. For example, a man who rides a motorcycle is not always doing a dangerous sport. Use clear examples, such as rock climbing, base jumping, or car racing.
task response
Your own view is clear, but it is too strong. Think about a more careful view: the government can control dangerous sports, set age rules, and make safety rules, instead of banning every activity.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This is a good plan. Make each body part focus on one main idea and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words such as 'Furthermore' and 'In addition' add very similar points. Try to give one main point, explain it, and then give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar is not clear. For example, write: 'Adults should be responsible for their own safety.' Short, clear sentences will make your ideas easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
In the final paragraph, restate your view and give the main reason in clear words. For example: 'In my view, dangerous sports should be controlled because safety rules can reduce harm.'
task response
You clearly state your view in the introduction and repeat it in the ending.
task response
You include ideas for both sides of the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraphs for the two different views.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as 'On one hand', 'On the other hand', and 'To sum up'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • severe injuries
  • fatalities
  • base jumping
  • bull running
  • extreme skiing
  • safeguard
  • well-being
  • regulating
  • avoidable harm
  • healthcare costs
  • burdening
  • personal freedom
  • autonomy
  • training
  • equipment
  • mitigated
  • personal satisfaction
  • mental health benefits
  • resilience
  • adventure
  • assess risks
  • public safety
  • unnecessary healthcare costs
  • outright bans
  • balanced approach
  • stringent safety standards
  • mandatory training sessions
  • adequately informed
  • safeguarding
  • public health
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