IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
Modern technology has
significant
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significantly
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 transformed the way children spend their leisure time.
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while
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While
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this
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 trend has both positive and negative aspects ,I believe the benefits of
thes
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these
 electronic devices outweigh the drawbacks , and
this
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 essay
wil
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will
 explain why.
Body paragraph 1
On the
first
Correct determiner usage
one
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 hand,kids can acquire Knowledge through
technologyies
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technology
.
For example
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 ,they can learn from education apps .
this
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 cleary demonstrate that children will know new things which can
helps
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help
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 them with school
specifically
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, specifically
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 homework and projects
.
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. Furthermore
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furthermore
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,
technologies
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technology
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 allows young people to develop communication skills by connecting with others globally.
this
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 lead to
lnnovation
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innovation
,
Making
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making
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 it a highly
fovrable
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favourable
 development
overall
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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 ,
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According
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according
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 to a study published by the BBC
that
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, that
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 60% of children addiction smartphones wich can
effects
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affect
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 mental health .
However
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 ,
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this
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these
show examples
 issues can often be
minimized
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minimised
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 through parental supervision and by limiting the hours that kids spend on electronic devices .
Threefore
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Therefore
,
although
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 the disadvantages exist,they are relatively minor compared
the
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to the
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 benefits.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
modren
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modern
 tools have changed what kids do in their free time ,
Altough
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although
 demerits like effects there mental health ,there are a lot of advantages
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such
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, such
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 as information overload make the development more positive in the long
trem
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term
,
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.
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I firmly believe
thet
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that
 the advantage outwigh the disadvantages in
this
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 case.

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task response
You answer the question and give a clear view: the good points are greater than the bad points. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why learning and talking with people in other places are important for children.
task response
Some ideas need to be more exact. For example, say how an education app helps with a school task, or give one clear example of a child learning a new skill. Do not use “information overload” as a good point, because it is usually a bad thing.
task response
The BBC study is not well explained. You can make the point clearer without a study: too much phone time can harm sleep, mood, and time with family. Then explain why parents can control this problem.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This is a good plan. Use each body part for one main idea, then add an example and an explanation before moving on.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. “On the first hand” should be “On the one hand”, and “On the other hand” is then correct. Also, do not start a new sentence with a small letter after a full stop.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between ideas clear. For example: “This can help children do their homework better.” Then: “It can also help them share ideas with children in other countries.” This is easier to follow than “this lead to innovation”.
coherence and cohesion
Your last part repeats the main view, which is good, but it has unclear words. Write a short, direct ending that names the main good point and the main bad point, then restate your view.
task response
You give a direct answer from the start and keep the same view in the ending.
task response
You include both good and bad sides, such as learning through apps and harm from too much phone use.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to see as an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as “For example”, “Furthermore”, “However”, and “Therefore” to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Digital literacy
  • Cyberbullying
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Inappropriate content
  • Self-learning
  • Screen time
  • Social inequality
  • Enhanced communication
  • Creative expression
  • Educational resources
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