IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think hard work and determination bring sucess. Others think other factors such as money and good appearance are more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
There is an ongoing debate whether
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 and dedication provide
success
Use synonyms
 or
money
Use synonyms
 and smart appearance outweigh
such
Linking Words
 factors.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both viewpoints before presenting my own perspective.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, a strong determination and tenacity
aspires
Correct subject-verb agreement
inspire
show examples
 the person
move
Verb problem
to move
show examples
 forward and reach
to
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 final destination. Individuals find different solutions to solve any problem with the help of
persevarance
Correct your spelling
perseverance
.
For example
Linking Words
, many youngster give hundered percent efforts to their studies, jobs
etc
Punctuation problem
, etc
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 may lead to academic
success
Use synonyms
 and promotion in their field job. Long-term
success
Use synonyms
 demands consistency. A lazy person cannot be successful if lying down all day
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 bed. It
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 a huge
knowlegde
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 to excel in any field
whether
Punctuation problem
, whether
show examples
 to become a doctor or militants. To illustrate, medical professionals give their crucial years to studies and
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 are reaching heights of
success
Use synonyms
,earning a large amount of
money
Use synonyms
 after working
late night
Correct your spelling
late-night
 hours.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
Having
Fix capitalization
having
show examples
 a good amount of
money
Use synonyms
 is
crucial
Correct article usage
a crucial
show examples
 factor in life. In recent times, anything can be
acheived
Correct your spelling
achieved
 with
money
Use synonyms
. It can provide better education that demands financial stability,
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 it can give a better lifestyle. Starting a
bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
 can be possible with the help of capital. If somebody
deprived
Verb problem
is deprived
show examples
 of it,
unble
Correct your spelling
unable
 to start a startup. Apart from that person with good facial features can become a talk of the town. It
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 to find job opportunities in media and entertainment. To cite an example, people
admires
Correct subject-verb agreement
admire
show examples
 new faces in
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
industries
Check wording
industry
show examples
 with good features and versatile
expression
Check wording
expressions
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is
reason
Correct article usage
the reason
show examples
 why people are more
engaging
Replace the word
engaged
 in
maintaning
Correct your spelling
maintaining
 themselves
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 actually cost huge.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
Linking Words
Although
Fix capitalization
although
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 and appearance
gives
Correct subject-verb agreement
give
show examples
 a positive chance in getting
succesful
Correct your spelling
successful
 in life
Punctuation problem
, whearas
show examples
whearas hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 and
persistency
Replace the word
persistence
 cannot be ignored. From my perspective,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that opportunity with good efforts makes anything acquirable.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view, so the main task is done. Make your opinion more direct in the last part. Say clearly that hard work is more important, while money and looks may give some people an early chance.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain why hard work can help people keep going after failure, and why money or good looks cannot always bring long-term success.
task response
Use more exact examples. For example, describe a student from a poor family who works hard and gets a good job, or a business owner who has money but fails because they do not work well.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first view, second view, then your view. Keep this order, but make each paragraph start with one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “because”, “therefore”, “however”, and “for example”. Some sentences now feel joined too quickly, so show the reason and result more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Write shorter sentences so the reader can follow your point. For example, split the sentence about doctors into two or three sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words carefully. You use “success”, “money”, and “hard work” well, but words such as “smart appearance” and “good facial features” can be made more simple and clear: “physical appearance” or “good looks”.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: hard work, money and appearance, and your own opinion.
task response
Your examples about study, medical work, business, and film work are linked to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
The main body uses clear paragraph breaks and helpful signposts such as “On the one hand” and “On the other hand”.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion brings the two views together and gives a final personal view.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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