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Writing Samples
Band 5

In today’s world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
In contemporary society,
people
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 pay more attention to their
appearance
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 and
would
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apply
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spend a big amount of money in an attempt to look younger.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons behind
and
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, and
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 I personally believe that
this
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 is a negative
trend
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.
Body paragraph 1
A major reason
of
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for
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this
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 development may lie in the influence of social media and
advertisements
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.
This
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 is because businessmen invest heavily
on
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in
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 influencers,
variuous
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various
 social media, and all kinds of
advertisements
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 to capture
public's
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the public's
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 attention to promote their services and products for
further
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 financial benefits.
As a result
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, it has become a fashion to
persue
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pursue
this
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trend
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 that
appearance
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 matters.
For example
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, the bombardment of information related to skin care and beauty triggered a great
of
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apply
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popularity of certain
product
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products
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 and services which are perceived to be useful in
beautify
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beautifying
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people
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. Another compelling reason may come from peer pressure. As for an individual, if the
people
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 around tend to purchase related services and products, it will encourage in a subtle way
this
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 guy to follow the same
behavior
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behaviour
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.
Body paragraph 2
Admittedly,
this
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trend
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,
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apply
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 brings a sense of
fulfillment
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fulfilment
show examples
 for several groups. In the process of seeking
for
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a
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 younger
appearance
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, it
diminishs
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diminishes
people
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's concerns towards their outfit and may become more confident about themselves.
On the other hand
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, it may raise a great concern
in
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on
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 a larger scale. Especially for young
people
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 and children, who are thought
as
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to
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 have not fully developed their judgement and persistence, may be influenced the most by certain
advertisements
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. As certain groups, what they need to really focus
are
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on are
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 their academic
performence
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performance
, interpersonal relationships, and physical development rather than superficial items
such
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 as
appearance
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.
Furthermore
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, it will
definately
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definitely
 add up to the financial burden of
people
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, especially for those facing financial hardship and who come from humble
background
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backgrounds
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the reason why
people
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 would like to spend a lot of money to seek
for
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a
show examples
 younger
appearance
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 may be highly
relavent
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relevant
 to the influence of social media,
advertisements
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, and peer pressure. It does generate benefits for a group of
people
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 in gaining confidence and alleviating anxiety towards looking.
However
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, it will impose more concerns and pressure on certain groups and the whole society. On
banlance
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balance
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, I regard it as a negative
trend
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Explain why looking young is so important today, then show more clearly why the bad points are stronger than the good points.
task response
Use clearer examples. For example, show how ads can make a young person feel that they must buy skin care or face work to fit in.
task response
Develop each main point with a simple pattern: main idea, why it happens, and result. This will make your view more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this shape, but make the first body part only about reasons and the second body part only about your view.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Try: First, Also, For example, However, As a result, and In conclusion. Do not use too many long linking phrases.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences more direct. For example, instead of 'it will encourage in a subtle way this guy to follow the same behavior,' write 'this may lead the person to do the same thing.'
coherence and cohesion
Check word choice and spelling, as these can make ideas hard to follow. Examples include 'pursue,' 'relevant,' 'definitely,' 'performance,' and 'balance.'
task response
You give clear reasons for the trend: social media, ads, and pressure from people around us.
task response
You state your own view from the start and keep the same view in the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and match the main ideas in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The use of paragraphs helps the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural and social pressure
  • Youth and beauty glorification
  • Technological advancements
  • Anti-aging treatments
  • Skincare
  • Cosmetic procedures
  • Self-esteem and confidence
  • Self-improvement
  • Self-care
  • Unrealistic beauty standards
  • Superficiality
  • Financial strain
  • Consumption and dissatisfaction
  • Psychological effects
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Body dysmorphobia
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