IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many schools these days have problems with poor student behaviour. Why do you think these problems occur? What could be done to tackle these problems.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays,
Use synonyms
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 with poor
behavious
Correct your spelling
behaviour
 become normal.
This
Linking Words
 troubling trend is mainly driven by
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of parental discipline and home boundaries
and
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 academic pressure
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 disengagement. To
tackel ethese
Correct your spelling
tackle these
 problems,
Use synonyms
school
Check wording
schools
show examples
 and
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 must
collabrate
Correct your spelling
collaborate
 through
clearner behavioral
Correct your spelling
clearer behavioural
 standards and enhance
Use synonyms
student
Correct article usage
the student
show examples
 support system especailly in high
school
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
One major cause of poor discipline is the decline of home supervision. In many modern households,
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 both need to work
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 long period and
Use synonyms
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 keep
eye
Change preposition
in
show examples
 contact
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their telephone without any limit. When they imitate the video on soical platform, they will bring the
disrepectful
Correct your spelling
disrespectful
 habits to their classmsate
such
Linking Words
 as "six seven"
They
Punctuation problem
. They
show examples
 do not know the actual maning if these words or
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
, but they keep
imitate
Wrong verb form
imitating
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, traditional teaching
method
Check wording
methods
show examples
 in Hong Kong often fail to encourage students who struggle academically whenever the
student
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 other
talent
Fix the agreement mistake
talents
show examples
 in art
or
Check wording
, music, or
show examples
 mausic even sport. When the learner
feel
Correct subject-verb agreement
feels
show examples
 overwhelmed by
exam-focusd
Correct your spelling
exam-focused
 work or heavy homework, they may give up
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
To solve these challenges, goverment,
Use synonyms
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 and parent must
be collabrated
Verb problem
collaborate
show examples
.
First,
Linking Words
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should invest more funding
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 after-
school
Use synonyms
 activities,
student
Use synonyms
 can find their
interst
Correct your spelling
interests
instead
Linking Words
 of
keep
Verb problem
apply
show examples
focusing on their phone.
Also
Linking Words
,
educater
Correct your spelling
educators
 need to pause the
disrepectful
Correct your spelling
disrespectful
 behaviour when
Use synonyms
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 say it or do it. At the same time, teacher instill correct values to
student
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
 important for them to distinguish right or wrong.
Second,
Linking Words
Use synonyms
school
Check wording
schools
show examples
 should set up
th
Correct your spelling
a
 regular counselling course for
Use synonyms
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 to learn the method of
relax
Replace the word
relaxation
 and deal with stress. Stopping
emotional
Correct article usage
the emotional
show examples
 root
in
Correct word order
of school
show examples
school
Use synonyms
 of misbehaviour rather than
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
 up their life.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is inevitable to stop
student
Use synonyms
 to learn the bad
beviour
Correct your spelling
behaviour
, but
collabaretion
Correct your spelling
collaboration
 would
effevtively
Correct your spelling
effectively
 restore order and cultivate a positive role to
student
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts in a more full way. Explain why home rules are weak and why school work can make students lose interest. Then show clearly how each plan will help.
task response
Use clear examples. For example, say how a parent can set phone time, or how a school club can help a student feel part of school.
task response
Some ideas are not clear, such as “six seven” and “give up their life”. Use simple, exact words so the reader can understand your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Make each body part focus on one main cause or one main answer.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “because”, “for example”, “as a result”, “however”, and “therefore”. Do not join too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same names for people. Use “parents”, “students”, “teachers”, and “schools” in a clear way. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
In the last part, match each answer to a cause. For weak home rules, suggest parent-school talks and phone rules. For stress, suggest help from teachers and school support.
task response
You give two main reasons for poor behaviour: weak home rules and stress from school work.
task response
You suggest useful answers, including after-school activities, clear school rules, and student support.
coherence and cohesion
The essay follows a clear order: causes first, answers next, and a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “First”, “Also”, “At the same time”, and “In conclusion” help show the order of your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: