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Band 6

Some educationalists argue that non-exam, arts-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In today’s rapidly evolving world, some educationalists argue that non-exam, arts-based
subjects
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, including music, drama, art, and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum, as
such
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 activities can have a positive impact on
students
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’ academic performance. I agree with
this
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 idea because arts-based
subjects
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 contribute significantly to improving
students
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’ essential
skills
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, which can lead to their personal, educational, and professional development.
Body paragraph 1
One of the major advantages of arts-based
subjects
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 is that they enable
students
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 to cultivate essential
skills
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,
such
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 as critical thinking, problem-solving, creativity, and decision-making.
This
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 can enhance their productivity and sharpen their minds, resulting in educational growth.
For instance
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,
subjects
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such
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 as craft allow
students
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 to make new things with simple materials, which can help them improve their problem-solving and analytical thinking abilities. These
skills
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 can make a significant difference in learning
subjects
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 like mathematics.
Thus
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, arts-based
subjects
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 can play an indispensable role in
students
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’ educational performance.
Body paragraph 2
Another primary benefit is that
subjects
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such
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 as music, drama, and art create unique opportunities for
students
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 to deepen their understanding of various cultures, traditions, and perspectives.
This
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 can improve
students
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’ communication
skills
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, raise their cultural awareness, and broaden their horizons, thereby fostering their personal and educational development.
For example
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, music transcends the barrier between language and cultures, providing valuable opportunities for people to develop a better knowledge of different cultures
while
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 engaging in an enjoyable activity, improving their mental health.
Hence
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,
such
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subjects
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 can efficiently promote cultural awareness
while
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 helping
students
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 reinforce their essential
skills
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.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, from my perspective, non-exam, arts-based
subjects
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 should be mandatory in the secondary-school curriculum as they bring about long-term beneficial outcomes, which ensure
students
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’ personal, educational, and professional growth by cultivating their crucial
skills
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.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree that art subjects should be part of school. To make the answer stronger, explain more directly why they should be required for all students, not only why they are useful.
task response
The link to school marks needs more detail. For example, say how drama may help speaking in class, how music may help focus, or how art may help students plan and solve maths tasks.
task response
Your examples are on-topic, but they are quite general. Add one clear school-based example in each main part to show the result more fully.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Each part has one main idea, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas move too fast. In the first main part, explain the steps from craft work to better work in maths more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use a few more clear links between ideas, such as “As a result” or “This means that”. Do not use too many, but make the cause-and-effect links clear.
coherence and cohesion
The second main part has two ideas: learning about other cultures and better school work. Make the link between them clearer, or focus on one idea first.
task response
You answer the full question and keep your opinion clear from the first part to the end.
task response
The points about thinking, problem solving, and creativity are useful and fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
Your main parts are well ordered, and the opening and ending match your view.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For instance”, “Thus”, and “To sum up” help the reader follow your main line of thought.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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