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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some companies monitor employees' activities while they are working, including their use of computers and communication systems. Do you think the advantages of this practice outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
It is becoming increasingly common for companies to monitor workers'
activities
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while
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 they are working, including their
use
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 of computers and communication systems.
Although
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this
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 practice has some disadvantages, I believe that its advantages are considerably greater because it can improve
workplace
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 productivity and help companies maintain
security
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are some disadvantages associated with
workplace
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 monitoring. One major disadvantage is that it can reduce employees' privacy.
This
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 may happen because workers can feel that their
activities
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 are being watched continuously during working hours.
For example
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, employees may feel uncomfortable if their computer
use
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 and
workplace
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 communication are monitored without clear rules.
Consequently
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, they may feel less trusted and experience greater pressure at work.
Thus
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,
this
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 is a genuine concern that should be considered.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, I believe that the advantages are considerably greater. The primary benefit is that
such
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 checks can improve
workplace
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 productivity. Employees may be more careful about how they
use
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 their working time when they know that their
activities
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 are being observed.
For instance
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, a company may monitor computer
use
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 to identify excessive social-media
use
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 during office hours.
As a result
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, staff may focus more on their professional responsibilities.
Furthermore
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, another important advantage is that these checks can help companies maintain
security
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. They can identify unauthorised access or inappropriate
use
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 of computer systems.
For instance
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, an organisation can examine its communication systems to detect unusual
activities
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 and protect important business information.
Consequently
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, the risk of
security
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 problems can be reduced.
Overall
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, I believe that the advantages clearly outweigh the disadvantages.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 the disadvantage of reduced worker privacy is a valid concern, I believe that the benefits of
such
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 checks are substantially greater.
This
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 is mainly because they can improve
workplace
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 efficiency and help organisations maintain
security
Use synonyms

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task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same. To make it even stronger, explain more fully why the two good points are more important than the loss of privacy. For example, say how a data leak could harm many people or the whole company.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but they are quite general. Add one more clear detail, such as a worker sending private company files to the wrong person, or a clear rule that limits checks to work time.
task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear answer. You could also show that monitoring should have clear rules. This would make your answer more fair and more complete.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: an opening, one paragraph on the bad side, one on the good side, and an ending. Keep this strong plan.
coherence and cohesion
Your linking words are clear, such as “On the one hand”, “For example”, and “As a result”. Try not to use “For instance” and “Consequently” so often. Use simple links such as “Also”, “Because of this”, or “This means that”.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat the same point in close order, especially the final sentences of the body and ending. You can make the writing tighter by saying the main idea once, then adding a new reason or detail.
task response
You answer the full question and give a clear opinion that the good points are greater than the bad points.
task response
The main ideas are relevant: work output and safety are strong reasons for company checks, while privacy is a real concern.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one clear main idea, and the examples are placed after the points they support.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending clearly match, so the reader can follow your view from start to finish.
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