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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some companies monitor employees' activities while they are working, including their use of computers and communication systems. Do you think the advantages of this practice outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
It is becoming increasingly common for
companies
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 to monitor
employees
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'
activities
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while
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 they are working, including their
use
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 of computers and communication systems.
Although
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this
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 practice has some disadvantages, I believe that its
advantages
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 are considerably greater because it can improve
workplace
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 productivity and help
companies
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 maintain
security
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are some disadvantages associated with
workplace
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 monitoring. One major disadvantage is that it can reduce
employees
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' privacy.
This
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 is mainly because workers may feel that their
activities
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 are being watched continuously
while
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 they are working.
For example
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,
employees
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 may feel uncomfortable if their computer
use
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 and
workplace
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 communication are monitored without clear rules.
As a result
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, they may feel less trusted and experience greater pressure at work.
Therefore
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,
this
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 is a genuine concern that should be considered.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, I believe that the
advantages
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 are considerably greater. The primary advantage is that
workplace
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 monitoring can improve
workplace
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 productivity.
This
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 is mainly because
employees
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 may be more careful about how they
use
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 working time when they know that their
activities
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 are being monitored.
For example
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, a company may monitor computer
use
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 to identify excessive
use
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 of social media during office hours.
As a result
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,
employees
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 may focus more on their professional responsibilities.
Body paragraph 3
Furthermore
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, another important advantage is that
workplace
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 monitoring can help
companies
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 maintain
security
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.
This
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 is because monitoring can help organisations identify unauthorised access or inappropriate
use
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 of company systems.
For instance
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, a company can monitor its communication systems to detect unusual
activities
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 and protect important business information.
Consequently
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, the risk of
security
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 problems can be reduced.
Therefore
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, I believe that the
advantages
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 clearly outweigh the disadvantages.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 the disadvantage of reduced employee privacy is a valid concern, I believe that the
advantages
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 of
workplace
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 monitoring are substantially greater.
This
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 is mainly because it can improve
workplace
Use synonyms
 productivity and help
companies
Use synonyms
 maintain
security
Use synonyms
.

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Task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same. To make it stronger, explain why more work and better safety are more important than the loss of privacy. You could also say that checks should be limited and workers should know what is checked.
Task response
Your main ideas are relevant, but some examples are quite general. Add one more clear detail, such as how a data leak or too much social media use can harm the company or its workers.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow. The four-part plan works well: one point against, two points for, then a short end. Keep this clear order.
Coherence and cohesion
You use linking words well, but some are used many times, especially “This is mainly because”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “Therefore”. Use a wider mix, or join some short ideas to make the writing flow more naturally.
Coherence and cohesion
The last line of the security paragraph repeats the same view more than once. You can make it more direct by ending with the effect: less risk of lost data and less harm to the business.
Task response
You answer the full question and give a clear opinion that the good points are stronger than the bad points.
Task response
The two main reasons—more focus at work and better safety—fit the topic well and are explained with useful workplace examples.
Coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one clear main point, and the opening and ending match your view well.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
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