IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
These days, public debate
going
Verb problem
is going
show examples
over
Change preposition
apply
show examples
on
whether
Change preposition
about whether
show examples
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation
spending
Wrong verb form
spends
show examples
 a significant amount of every day on their
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
assay
Use the right word
essay
show examples
 will examine the main causes of
this
Linking Words
 issue and discuss why
this
Linking Words
 negative situation.
Body paragraph 1
There are a variety of causes for
tis
Correct your spelling
this
 matter. To start with,
children
Use synonyms
 spend hours on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 because they have free
time
Use synonyms
.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, if they have
tough
Correct article usage
a tough
show examples
 day, they may not have
time
Use synonyms
 to playing in their phone.
For instance
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
this
Linking Words
 age need to be busy
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
learning new things or doing activities,
Linking Words
due to
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 they easily feel bored.
Moreover
Linking Words
, parents play an important role in
daily
Correct article usage
the daily
show examples
 routine of their
children
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, if their parents have
demanding
Correct article usage
a demanding
show examples
 schedule
;
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 long working hours, busy
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
show examples
,
even
Correct word choice
or even
show examples
 traveling they may leave
Use synonyms
children
Correct determiner usage
their children
show examples
use
Verb problem
to use
show examples
 their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 without monitoring
time
Use synonyms
.
Lastly
Linking Words
, some
children
Use synonyms
 have
this
Linking Words
 issue as a habit
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 they get used to using tablets and
ipads
Capitalize the proper name
iPads
show examples
 from
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
 stage.
For example
Linking Words
, parents gave
smartphones
Use synonyms
 to control their
children
Use synonyms
 when they
start
Wrong verb form
started
show examples
 crying , to keep them quiet. So, they have early exposure
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 technology.
Body paragraph 2
On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, I tend to believe that using
smartphones
Use synonyms
 for several hours has a negative impact on
children
Use synonyms
 mentally, socially and
healthy
Correct word choice
health-wise
show examples
. The major reason why I believe
that is
Linking Words
Use synonyms
children
Correct word choice
that children
show examples
 who spend too much
time
Use synonyms
 on digital
device
Check wording
devices
show examples
 may lose opportunities to communicate with others.
For example
Linking Words
,
child
Correct article usage
a child
show examples
 may lose some of their friend because
a
Change preposition
of a
show examples
lack of social skill even
so a
Correct word choice
if the
show examples
 child was being extravert.
In addition
Linking Words
, they may lose motivation and energy to go out or the patience to learn new things.
As a result
Linking Words
, some
children
Use synonyms
 lose
passionate
Replace the word
passion
 to attend their class or
meeting
Wrong verb form
meet
show examples
 people.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that
children
Use synonyms
 spend excessive amounts of
time
Use synonyms
 on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 mainly because of free
time
Use synonyms
,
partenal
Correct your spelling
parental
 factors and early exposure to technology.
Overall
Linking Words
, I consider
this
Linking Words
 a negative development because it can harm their social skills and motivation to engage in real-life activities.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give two clear reasons for phone use, then explain each one with a clear link to children’s daily life.
task response
Your view is clear: this is a negative change. Add one short idea about a possible good side, such as learning or keeping in touch, and then explain why the bad sides are stronger.
task response
Make examples more real and clear. For example, say that a child may watch videos after school because a parent is at work and cannot take the child to the park.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each body paragraph. The first body paragraph has many causes; split it into two paragraphs or use clearer order words: First, Second, Finally.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between ideas clearer. Do not join long ideas with only a comma. Start a new sentence when you move to a new point.
coherence and cohesion
Keep your examples close to the point they support. After each example, add a short sentence that says how it proves your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your opening can be more direct. Write: “Many children spend hours each day on smartphones. This is mainly because of free time, busy parents, and early use of screens.”
task response
You answer both questions. You give causes and state a clear view that this is a negative change.
task response
You use useful main ideas, such as free time, busy parents, early screen use, weak social skills, and less wish to join real-life activities.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening, body paragraphs, and a closing. The final paragraph brings your main points together.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful link words, such as “To start with,” “Moreover,” “For example,” “In addition,” and “As a result.”
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: