Parents should encourage children to spend less time studying and more time doing physical activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays, people
having
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are having
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a debate about their
kids
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spending more time with books or physical activities. I partially
,
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apply
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agree with
statement
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the statement
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becuase
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because
these days physical health is more important than studies.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
In
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in
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kids
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life physical health plays a key
role
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when they grow up.
Over weight
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Overweight
is
the
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apply
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one of the common problem and to
slove
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solve
this
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physical
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, physical
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exrcirse play a major
role
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.
Therefore
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, from
young
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a young
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age
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parents
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, parents
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need to
tech
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teach
their
kids
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about the advantages of doing physical
excrise
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exercise
. Being
physical
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physically
fit can
also
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provide more
apporitunity
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opportunity
while
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growing.
For example
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, physically fit
children
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have
better
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a better
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chance
being
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of being
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in the team
compare
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compared
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to
over weight
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overweight
kids
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.
Thesedays
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These days
,
due to
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artifical intellgience
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artificial intelligence
so
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, so
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much work
was
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is being
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done by
the
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apply
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robots and people with enough work may cause
immune
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an immune
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sytem
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therefore
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therefore,
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physical activities are so important from yong age.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
due to
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technology
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technological
developments
basic
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, basic
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education is required for each and every one in
the
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apply
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society. Studies
plays
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play
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a key
role
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in students furture and help
reach
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them reach
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their goals in life
like
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, like
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getting a dream job.
Furthermore
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, from
young
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a young
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age
Add a comma
age,
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so many students
wants
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want to
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become a software
enggeriner
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engineer
and to
acjieve
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achieve
that
eduaction
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education
is very important. If
parents
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does
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do
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not encourage
children
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to study enough time may
effect
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affect
show examples
their
furutre
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future
. Because of AI
students
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, students
show examples
needs to
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apply
show examples
need to
learning
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learn
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so many
thing
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things
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to secure
job
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a job
show examples
in future
and
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, and
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this
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is another reason why
parents
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can not complete
egonore
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their
education.
Conclusion
In conclusion, as I said
before
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before,
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physical health plays
very
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a very
show examples
important
role
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in
children
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life and education is
also
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needed fore furture. So
parents
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should
limited
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limit
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their
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children
Check wording
children's
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time
accordingly
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.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. You partly agree, but you should say how much study time should change and why.
task response
Answer the exact idea in the question: parents should make children spend less time studying and more time being active. Explain when this is a good idea and when it may not be.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason and a real example. The sports-team example is useful, but explain how it shows that parents should give more time to activity.
task response
Some ideas about AI, robots, work, and the immune system are not clear or do not fit the main point. Use fewer ideas, and explain them well.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: introduction, one paragraph on health and activity, one paragraph on study, then a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add a reason, an example, and a short link back to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully, such as “First,” “For example,” “However,” and “As a result.” Do not use “Therefore” when the next sentence does not directly follow the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Make your last sentence more direct. Say that parents should balance study and physical activity, rather than only saying they should limit time accordingly.
task response
You give a clear partly agree view and discuss both physical health and education.
task response
You include examples about sports teams and future jobs, which show an effort to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as “On the one hand,” “On the other hand,” and “In conclusion.”
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Development
  • Concentration
  • Obesity
  • Burnout
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Healthy lifestyle
  • Intellectual development
  • Structured activities
  • Teamwork
  • Leadership
  • Sedentary behavior
  • Tech addiction
  • Role models
  • Family bonds
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