IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Public celebrations (national days, festivals) are held in many countries. Some people say that these celebrations are a waste of money and we should spend money on more important things. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays, public celebrations have become a great remark around the globe. These parties do bring joy and fun, but
usually
Add a comma
usually,
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 people argue that the government should spend their hard-earned tax money on more important things. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 perspective and discourage the overspending on those
unnecessay
Correct your spelling
unnecessary
 celebrations.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, it is observed that each year
authorities
Punctuation problem
, authorities
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 around the spends almost 23 million dollars on public holidays each year.
For instance
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, the US government spends approximately 1 million dollars
Body paragraph 2
each year on rubber
duicks
Correct your spelling
ducks
 for special events, causing financial stress on their states. These parties do give an opportunity for families and communities to come together and enjoy. But these pleasant moments only
last
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 for a few days or weeks.
In contrast
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 to that, if the party budget is going to be spent on public facilities. It is going to make
taxpayers
Check wording
taxpayers'
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 daily lives more efficient and less stressful.
Body paragraph 3
Moreover
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, 70
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of the Saudi population
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 young individuals.
Hence
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, it is extremely important to invest more in the education sector in order to make our future secure.
Along with
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 that, with an increasing population, we need more hospitals to accommodate every patient's needs and maintain a safe environment for everybody.
In addition
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 to that, extra funds can be spent on the environment in order to decelerate global warming and save endangered wildlife.
Conclusion
To conclude
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,
Linking Words
hence
Correct word choice
apply
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 it is proven that it is not important to spend a huge sum of money on a
few hours
Correct word choice
few-hour
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 event just to maintain public image. It is more essential to direct our attention
on
Change preposition
to
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 more neglected sectors and invest in them to make the future great for everyone.

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task response
Your opinion is clear: you agree that public money should go to more important needs. Explain this link more fully. Show why schools, hospitals, and the environment need the money more than public events do.
task response
Use examples that are clear and safe. The example about rubber ducks is not well explained, so it does not strongly support your point. Give one full example, such as money for a local hospital or school, and explain how people would benefit.
task response
Avoid very broad claims, such as money spent by all authorities around the world. If you cannot give a clear source, use softer words like “in some countries” or “often”.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. Make the first body part focus on one idea: public events are short, while public services help people every day.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not complete or are joined in the wrong way. For example, “In contrast to that, if the party budget...” should be one clear sentence: “In contrast, spending this money on public services can improve daily life.”
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat linking words too often, especially “In addition to that.” Use simple links with a clear job: “For example,” “However,” “As a result,” and “Finally.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending shorter and closer to your main view. Restate that some small events may be useful, but large spending should go first to key public needs.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same clear view from the start to the end.
task response
Your points about education, hospitals, and the environment are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The main parts are in a logical order, and each body part has a clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present, which gives the essay a clear shape.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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