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Band 6.5

The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use. ‘Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use. ‘Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The first pie graph displays
energy
Use synonyms
 use in a typical household in Australia. The second pie graph illustrates the
greenhouse
Use synonyms
gas
Use synonyms
emissions
Use synonyms
as a result
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
energy
Use synonyms
 consumption.
Overall
Linking Words
,
energy
Use synonyms
 is used for heating the most and
water
Use synonyms
 heating is the second most in terms of using
Use synonyms
energy
Punctuation problem
energy,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 the most
greenhouse
Use synonyms
gas
Use synonyms
 is emitted from
water
Use synonyms
 heating and other appliances. In terms of
energy
Use synonyms
 consumption, heating accounts for 42% of consumed
energy
Use synonyms
. Just below a third of
overall
Linking Words
energy
Use synonyms
 is consumed for heating
water
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,
while
Linking Words
 15% of
overall
Linking Words
energy
Use synonyms
 is spent on other appliances. Refrigeration, lighting and cooling make up 7%, 4% and 2% of
energy
Use synonyms
 use
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
show examples
. In terms of
greenhouse
Use synonyms
gas
Use synonyms
emissions
Use synonyms
, over a third of
greenhouse
Use synonyms
gas
Use synonyms
 stems from
water
Use synonyms
 heating, followed by other appliances
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 make up almost a third of
greenhouse
Use synonyms
gas
Use synonyms
emissions
Use synonyms
overall
Linking Words
. The
greenhouse
Use synonyms
gas
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 emitted from heating was 15%,
while
Linking Words
 refrigeration, lighting and cooling cause 14%, 8% and 3%
emissions
Use synonyms
 respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words energy, greenhouse, gas, emissions, water with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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