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Writing Samples
Band 4

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is argued that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should take responsibility
of overweighting
Change preposition
for being overweight
show examples
 among
children
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 others contend that state authorities
accountable
Verb problem
are accountable
show examples
 for solving
this
Linking Words
 problem, I firmly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 perspective because individuals and their
parents
Use synonyms
 should be responsible for maintaining their health and physical well-being.
Body paragraph 1
It is commonly
concerned
Verb problem
believed
show examples
 that only
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 ought to be responsible for
overweighting
Wrong verb form
being overweight
show examples
 among youngsters. Given that
children
Use synonyms
 are not fully capable of making decisions, the authorities should play a greater role in preventing childhood
obesity
Use synonyms
. Elimination
advertisements
Change preposition
of advertisements
show examples
 of junky
food
Use synonyms
 and
ncluding
Correct your spelling
including
 more lessons about physical well-being may diminish
obesity
Use synonyms
 problems.
However
Linking Words
, adults have more control over the
children
Use synonyms
's eating
habits
Use synonyms
 and lifestyle choices.
Body paragraph 2
It is
also
Linking Words
 important to consider the role of
parents
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 issue. Treating minors
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 buying them fast
food
Use synonyms
, sweets and junky drinks on a regular basis without controlling their physical activities will lead the child to
obesity
Use synonyms
. When
parents
Use synonyms
 introduce them
healthier
Change preposition
to healthier
show examples
 alternatives,
such
Linking Words
 as homemade meals with balanced vitamins and minerals, the child develops
habits
Use synonyms
 related to healthy
food
Use synonyms
. Young individuals start to perceive healthy eating
habits
Use synonyms
 as
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 norm and maintain them in the long term. It
Body paragraph 3
causes a reduction in the risk of
overweighting
Wrong verb form
being overweight
show examples
 and other issues related to unhealthiness.
Conclusion
In conclusion, by providing
children
Use synonyms
 with healthy alternatives at home,
parents
Use synonyms
 can help them develop healthy eating
habits
Use synonyms
 from an early age.
As a result
Linking Words
, they are more likely to make healthier
food
Use synonyms
 choices in the future and have a lower risk of
obesity
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your main view is clear: parents, not only the government, should take the main role. However, the question asks how far you agree or disagree. Say more clearly that the government still has some duty, but parents have the greater duty.
task response
Develop the government point with one full example. For example, the government can limit ads for fast food near schools and give good food lessons at school. Then explain why these steps cannot work well without help from parents at home.
task response
Your parent paragraph has a good idea, but some parts need clearer cause and result. Explain that parents buy food, set meal times, and guide daily activity, so they have direct control over a child’s health.
task response
Use more exact words. Write “childhood obesity” or “being overweight” instead of “overweighting.” Write “junk food” instead of “junky food,” and “unhealthy drinks” instead of “junky drinks.”
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, government, parents, and conclusion. Make the first body paragraph match your view better. At present, it starts by saying only the government should act, but your view is that parents should have the main duty.
coherence and cohesion
Link the two body paragraphs more clearly. You could end the first one with: “Therefore, government action is helpful, but it cannot replace parents’ daily care.” This leads well into the next paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid sentence parts that are not complete. The final “It” at the end of the second paragraph should be removed. Also change “Elimination advertisements” to “Removing ads” or “Limiting ads.”
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words, but do not repeat the same form too much. Useful simple links are “First,” “However,” “For this reason,” and “As a result.”
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same main view in the conclusion.
task response
The ideas about home-made meals, good food, and daily activity are relevant and useful.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has clear paragraphs, and the conclusion returns to the main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The parent paragraph follows a sensible path from parents’ choices to children’s long-term habits.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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