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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Public celebrations( such as national days, festivals, etc) are held in most countries. Theses are often quite expensive and some people say that governments should spend money on more useful things Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is no doubt that
governments
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 spend a large
amount
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 of
money
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 on public
celebrations
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such
Linking Words
 as foundation days, national days, and festivals
, some
Punctuation problem
. Some
show examples
people
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 think that
Body paragraph 1
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governments
Capitalize the word
Governments
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 should spend
fund
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funds
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on more useful things
such
Linking Words
 as healthcare, public areas, and education. I completely agree with
this
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 view , because it can bring several benefits for individuals and societies. The main reason why some
people
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 believe that
governments
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 should spend
money
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 on beneficial
services
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 is that these
services
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 may help low-income families to improve their lives.
In other words
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 , many families want to rely on
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the government's
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governments
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 support.
In addition
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 , they need education and healthcare for their children. They think that many national
celebrations
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 cost a large
amount
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 of
money
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 because they require more workers for decoration and
organization
Change the spelling
organisation
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.
Moreover
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, public
services
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 are very expensive for low-income families.
For example
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, teaching children costs a large
amount
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 of
money
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Conclusion
because they need supplies
such
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 as private teachers, bags ,
money
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 , and sometimes school and university fees.
As a result
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 ,
people
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 believe that
governments
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 should reduce the tuition
feeds
Use the right word
fees
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,
they
Correct word choice
and they
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also
Linking Words
 prefer spending
money
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 on public
services
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 to spending
money
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 on public
celebrations
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 . In conclusion , I completely support
this
Linking Words
 view because it can lead to better outcomes in the long term.
Furthermore
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, many
people
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 use public
services
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 daily because
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this
Correct determiner usage
apply
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they deserve to get better public
services
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 in their lives.
As a result
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 ,
governments
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 should not spend a huge
amount
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 of
money
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 on national
celebrations
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 .

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task response
State your view clearly in the first part, then give two main reasons and explain each one more fully. You agree that money should go to health and education, but the ideas need more detail.
task response
Use one clear, real example. For example, explain how a new health centre or lower school fees could help a poor family. Do not list many things without showing how they help.
task response
Talk about the other side for a short time. Say that public days can bring people together, but that basic needs should come first when money is limited.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, first reason, second reason, and conclusion. Start each body part with one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one idea. The part about poor families, school costs, and public events moves too quickly between ideas. Add a short explanation after each point.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “For example”, “However”, “Therefore”, and “As a result” can help, but do not repeat “As a result” too often.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between sentences clearer. For example: “Public health care is important because poor families may not be able to pay for treatment. Therefore, government money should first support hospitals and clinics.”
task response
You answer the question directly and make your opinion clear: you support spending more money on public services.
task response
You give relevant areas for government support, such as health care and education.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body ideas, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “Moreover”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural heritage
  • economic boost
  • local economies
  • social cohesion
  • national unity
  • educational value
  • government spending
  • public services
  • healthcare
  • infrastructure
  • balanced approach
  • national identity
  • community
  • tourists
  • social harmony
  • historical significance
  • younger generation
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