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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
These days, public debate has been going on over whether, in many countries, local
people
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 are moving to cities, which has decreased
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population
Correct article usage
the population
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 in the
countryside
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. I tend to believe that a decline in the rural
population
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 has a positive impact because it can keep the
countryside
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 safe and clean.
Body paragraph 1
There are several factors that support the idea that a low local
population
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 in the
countryside
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 has a positive impact on development. The most important one is that a decrease in the rural
population
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 in the
countryside
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 may help the economy and tourism industry develop.
That is
Linking Words
 to say, protecting the environment and providing a quiet atmosphere can help attract local and international tourists.
For instance
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, fewer
people
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 may reduce waste or noise.
Therefore
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,
this
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 can contribute to economic growth.
In addition
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, keeping
this
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 place for rest and relaxation for older
people
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. Older
people
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 may prefer spending time in a quiet place, and they may have an unforgettable experience there.
Lastly
Linking Words
, some animals that live in the
countryside
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 may feel more comfortable when there are fewer
people
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 around.
Body paragraph 2
I admit that
,
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 decreasing number of
people
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 who are living in the
countryside
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 may affect development.
In other words
Linking Words
, a lack of workers in the
countryside
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 may negatively affect agriculture.
For example
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, fewer farmers may lead to lower agricultural production. So, it would cause a low amount of products that the farmland produces. Despite that, I believe that keeping the
countryside
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 with fewer
people
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, it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
 is better for animals, protects nature, and develop tourism industry.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I would argue that the decline in the rural
population
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 in the
countryside
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 has significant positive effects that outweigh the negative ones.
Accordingly
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, that can help protect the environment, provide a better habitat for animals and promote tourism

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task response
Your essay answers a different question. The task asks about learning other subjects and giving all time to one main subject. Your essay writes about people moving from the countryside to cities. Read the question again and make sure every main idea answers it.
task response
Discuss both views. Explain why some students want to study other subjects, such as art, business, or computer skills. Then explain why other students want to focus only on their main subject.
task response
Give your own view clearly. You could say that students should mainly focus on their main subject, but they should also have some time for other useful subjects.
task response
Use examples that fit the task. For example, a medical student may study psychology to understand patients better, while a student who wants to be an engineer may need most of their time for maths and science.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction; reasons for learning other subjects; reasons for focusing on one subject; conclusion with your view.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a direct main idea. For example: “Studying other subjects can help students in several ways.” Then explain this idea and give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not complete or are hard to follow. For example, “In addition, keeping this place for rest and relaxation for older people” needs a main verb. Write: “In addition, the countryside can be a place of rest and relaxation for older people.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea many times, such as fewer people, quiet places, and tourism. Instead, build one idea fully before moving to the next.
task response
You give a clear view in both the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the overall shape is easy to see.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “For instance”, “In addition”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” to show connections between ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Broaden
  • Perspectives
  • Specialize
  • Critical thinking
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Career success
  • Interdisciplinary connections
  • Structured path
  • Clear goals
  • Creativity
  • Innovation
  • Academic credibility
  • Recognition
  • Balance
  • Exploring
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