IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, people get married and have children after the age of 30. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this development.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 get married and have children after the
age
Use synonyms
 of 30 .
This
Linking Words
 trend has both advantages and disadvantages, which will be discussed in
this
Linking Words
 essay.
Body paragraph 1
One of the most important advantages is that
people
Use synonyms
 are at a suitable
age
Use synonyms
 to get married.
People
Use synonyms
 after the
age
Use synonyms
 of 30 may be more mature and responsible.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 may face some challenges
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as family problems or taking care of a sick child.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 need to be patient and responsible.
In addition
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 at
this
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
 may have enough money and a stable job to provide basic necessities for their families. And they can give them
them
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 money to buy everything and were in a high school.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
There
Fix capitalization
there
show examples
 are
also
Linking Words
 many disadvantages.
People
Use synonyms
 at
this
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
 may be busy
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
and careless because of their jobs or something else
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as travelling for business work. And
Linking Words
also
Punctuation problem
also,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 over the
age
Use synonyms
 of 30 are not ready for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
marriage. Because they curently starts their carrer
For example
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 any time
maybe
Punctuation problem
, maybe
show examples
 the
manaeger
Correct your spelling
manager
 may call you for
emergency
Correct article usage
an emergency
show examples
trave
Correct your spelling
trip
 for work
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 you must leave your home for a long time
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
, this
show examples
 damage their family life.
Conclusion
In
conclustion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
although
Linking Words
 getting married and having children after the
age
Use synonyms
 of 30 has some advantages,
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
People
Use synonyms
 are in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 good
age
Use synonyms
 to get married,
people
Use synonyms
 have enough money, it
also
Linking Words
 has some disadvantages,
such
Linking Words
 as
people
Use synonyms
 at
this
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
 do not have enough time to spend with their family. And they are in the
firist
Correct your spelling
first
 step of the hard life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the task: good points and bad points. However, some ideas are not fully clear. Explain each main point in more detail, especially why work travel can harm family life.
task response
Use clear and real examples. For example, say that a person with a steady job can pay for food, a home, and child care. Avoid ideas that do not fit, such as being in high school after age 30.
task response
Keep your ideas on the same point. The essay says people over 30 have money and jobs, but later says they are just starting a career. Make this clear: some may have steady work, while others may still be building their career.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, one paragraph for good points, one for bad points, and an ending. This is a good plan. Make each paragraph focus on one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Do not begin many sentences with “And” or “Because”. Try: “As a result,” “For this reason,” and “However.”
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences clearer by using the right words. For example, write “this can harm family life” instead of “this damage their family life.” Also check spelling, such as “currently”, “career”, “manager”, and “conclusion.”
task response
You give both advantages and disadvantages, and you include ideas about maturity, money, work, and time with family.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the conclusion returns to the main good and bad points.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful signposts such as “For example”, “In addition”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: