IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

ome people believe that strict laws are the best way to control human behaviour, while others think education is more effective. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

3.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, most of the citizens think that implementing
though
Use the right word
tough
show examples
 legal rules is
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 effective way to
approch
Correct your spelling
approach
Use synonyms
people action
Check wording
people's actions
show examples
 in
society
Use synonyms
 and at the same time, others say that education is
more
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 better way to control human behaviour. I think both statements are correct because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 education will help more
younger
Correct word choice
young
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 and strict
law
Check wording
laws
show examples
 can help older
people
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
implementing strict rules by the
Government
Use synonyms
 can reduce
Use synonyms
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
show examples
 rate.
In addition
Linking Words
, doubling the
fines
Use synonyms
 or incresing sentance for
crime
Use synonyms
 can helpfull because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 will think about them before
commiting
Correct your spelling
committing
 a
crime
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
Government
Use synonyms
 introduce new speeding
fines
Use synonyms
. which are double the price
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to
preivious
Correct your spelling
previous
fines
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 from now on
words
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 citizens will drive
with in
Correct your spelling
within
 the speed limits
due to
Linking Words
fines
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, educating
people
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 reduce
crime
Use synonyms
. It is one of the best way by teaching all the
people
Use synonyms
 from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childhood. It is
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 option because
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 do not need to
froce
Use the right word
force
show examples
 them out of fear. From the schooling age teacher are teaching students
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how to behave in
society
Use synonyms
, how to respect
other
Replace the word
others
, and how to keep
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
 clean. Once they growup they already
known
Wrong verb form
know
show examples
 how
behave
Verb problem
to behave
show examples
 in
society
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 automatically
Use synonyms
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
show examples
 rate will come down.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
implementing strict
law
Check wording
laws
show examples
 by
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can
also
Linking Words
 help humans to control
them self
Correct your spelling
themselves
 before
commeting
Correct your spelling
committing
 any
crime
Use synonyms
. I personally
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that education can help more
people
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 to
it
Verb problem
make it
show examples
 clean and safe.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. This is good. However, your main idea is too simple: strict laws are for older people and education is for young people. Explain why this is true, and also say that laws can affect all ages.
task response
Develop each main point more. For laws, explain how a real risk of a fine or jail can stop harmful acts. For education, explain how it can build good habits and respect before crime happens.
task response
Your speeding example is relevant, but make it clearer and more real. Explain that higher fines may lead drivers to slow down, so there may be fewer road deaths and less harm.
task response
Make your opinion more direct in the last paragraph. State that education is the better long-term way, while strict laws are still needed for people who choose to break rules.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: start, two main paragraphs, and end. Keep this form, but make the first paragraph state the two views and your opinion in a clearer way.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar is not clear. Use short, direct sentences. For example: 'Strict laws can reduce crime because people fear punishment.'
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Start the body paragraphs with clear topic sentences, then add an explanation and an example. Good links include 'For example', 'As a result', and 'In contrast'.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'crime rate' and 'help' many times. Use simple other words such as 'wrong acts', 'harm', 'stop', 'reduce', and 'make people think'.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you discuss strict laws, education, and your own view.
task response
The speeding-fine example fits your point about strict laws and helps show what you mean.
coherence and cohesion
The use of 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion' makes the main parts easy to find.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph stays mainly on one idea, so the reader can follow your argument.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: