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Band 5

Rates of diabetes and obesity are increasing in many countries around the world. Some people think that the government should ban soft drinks and sugary snacks from schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this proposal?

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Introduction
Nowadays,
students
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 from either primary
schools
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 or secondary
schools
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 are curious about everything around the world. They like to try whatever they see. When soft
drinks
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 and sugary
snacks
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 come
to
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into
show examples
 their eyes, they may try them.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the rates of diabetes and obesity are increasing in many countries around the world. To tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue, some
people
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 think that the government should ban soft
drinks
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 and sugary
snacks
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 from
schools
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. I largely agree
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
with this
show examples
 proposal
due to
Linking Words
 several reasons. I would like to discuss the reasons below.
Body paragraph 1
First,
Linking Words
schools
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 are places for providing a healthy environment for
children
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.
School
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 teaches
children
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 to build up a healthy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
. It leads
children
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 to avoid bad habits, like drinking and smoking,etc. Introducing soft
drinks
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 and sugary
snacks
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 will oppose the principle of
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school
Correct article usage
the school
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.
Body paragraph 2
Second,
Linking Words
Children
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 spend many hours at
school
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, so food choices there can strongly influence their eating habits.
Children
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 spend most of their
times
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time
show examples
 at
school
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. They most likely have their lunch in
school
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.
However
Linking Words
, the choices of dishes are limited. Within
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
limited choices, if there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 soft
drinks
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 and sugary
snacks
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 for
children
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 to choose
, they
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from, they
show examples
 would refuse to have their regular meal and eat sugary
snacks
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instead
Linking Words
.
However
Linking Words
, soft
drinks
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 and sugary
snacks
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 contain too much sugar and can contribute to weight gain and tooth decay. If
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 banned soft
drinks
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 and sugary
snacks
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 in
school
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,
children
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 would make healthier options,
such
Linking Words
 as water, fruit ad low-sugar meals, more attractive and accessible.
Body paragraph 3
The ban of soft
drinks
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 and sugary
snacks
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 in
school
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 can help
children
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 to prevent
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
getting diabetes and obesity.
However
Linking Words
, when they get out of
school
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, the restriction does not apply to them.
Then
Linking Words
, how could
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school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 prevent
children
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to eat
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from eating
show examples
 those unhealthy
snacks
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 outside?
Body paragraph 4
Schools
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 should educate
students
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 about nutrition, rather than relying only on restrictions. Education is very important because it can let
children
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 know what is good and what is bad for them. Educating
students
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 about nutrition can help
students
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 to identify how much nutrition
should they
Correct word order
they should
show examples
 absorb, and the maximum amount of sugar, salt ,oil and fats they can consume daily.
Body paragraph 5
Parents
also
Linking Words
 serve an important role. When
children
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 found that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 banned soft
drinks
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 and sugary
snacks
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 in
schools
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, they may try to buy unhealthy food outside
school
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. Parents can limit the amount of pocket money
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 so that
children
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 do not have extra money to buy those unhealthy
snacks
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.
Body paragraph 6
Some
people
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 may think that the policy is too strict for
children
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. I think it is not too strict. The purpose of
this
Linking Words
 policy is to prevent
children
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 from having health issues,
Linking Words
also as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 to increase the average lifespan of
people
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.
Also
Linking Words
,
schools
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 could allow occasional treats at special events, but unhealthy products should not be sold every day.
Conclusion
In conclusion, banning soft
drinks
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 and sugary
snacks
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 is a sustainable policy to
assure
Verb problem
ensure
show examples
 the
healthness
Replace the word
health
 of
people
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. If
children
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 well-educated, they will maintain a healthy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
, which can lower the rates of diabetes and obesity.

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task response
State your view in a more direct way: you agree with a ban in schools, but it should work with teaching and help from parents. Keep this main view clear in every part.
task response
Give fuller support for each main point. For example, explain how a ban changes what children buy at school, and why this can help their health over time.
task response
Use one clear real-life example. You could describe a school that sells water and fruit instead of cola and sweets, so children have better choices at lunch.
task response
The point about food outside school is useful, but answer it more clearly. Say that a school ban cannot solve all eating problems, so food teaching and parents are also needed.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, main body, and ending. To make the flow stronger, put the school ban point first, then the limits of a ban, then teaching and parents as added support.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same ideas and words, such as children spending many hours at school and the ban helping health. Say each idea once, then develop it with a reason or example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words like “therefore”, “however”, and “for example” should show a clear link between the two sentences. Do not use a question in the middle of the essay; change it into a direct point.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea. The paragraph about school meals, sugar, and healthy choices has several ideas, so split or order them more clearly.
task response
You give a clear view that you mostly support the ban, and you also show that teaching and parents matter.
task response
Your reasons are on topic: school food, health, eating habits, and family help all fit the question well.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraph breaks and has both an opening and a closing.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful signposts such as “First”, “Second”, “However”, and “In conclusion”, which help the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • rising rates of obesity
  • type 2 diabetes
  • public health issue
  • sugary drinks
  • processed snacks
  • excessive sugar intake
  • healthy eating habits
  • nutritious alternatives
  • school canteen
  • ban the sale of
  • promote a balanced diet
  • childhood obesity
  • tooth decay
  • long-term health consequences
  • nutrition education
  • parental responsibility
  • make informed food choices
  • a wider public-health strategy
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