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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Introduction
In numerous countries,
people
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 living in
countryside
Correct article usage
the countryside
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 are moving into
cities
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, resulting in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 falling population in rural
areas
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. From my perspective, I believe it's
overall
Linking Words
 a negative development.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, it will increase the gap between
cities
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 and rural
areas
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, because it's usually
people
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 from younger generations who tend to live in or near
cities
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. They enjoy the convenience of having more restaurants, hospitals with advanced
equipments
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equipment
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, contribute to the economic activities, and participate in all kinds of art events.
By contrast
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, elderly
people
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 stayed in the countryside, struggling to find an exhibition to enjoy or a good health care service in nearby
areas
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.
For example
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, some elderly
people
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 with severe diseases were forced to drive for more than 30 minutes to reach
a
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the
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 closest hospital. Without 
younger
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the younger
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people
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's devotion to build the community, it will gradually lose
the
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apply
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energy and even cause serious problems.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, an
over-crowded
Correct your spelling
overcrowded
 city is not a satisfying place to live in.
People
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 need to share limited facilities and public
resource
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resources
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 with more community members. The air quality may worsen
due to
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 the excessive use of electricity and car
emission
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emissions
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,
not to mention
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 the unbearable heat.
For instance
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, Taipei is notorious for its dense population
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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people
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 there are constantly complaining about losing their quality of life. The city is heated by numerous air-conditioning machines. What's more, it's always full of
people
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 if they want to visit somewhere
in
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at
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 the weekends.
This
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 is
also
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 not an ideal situation for the public.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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people
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 moving from
countryside
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the countryside
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 to
cities
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seem
Correct subject-verb agreement
seems
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 inevitable, I still consider it a negative trend. It's not only because communities in rural
areas
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 will lack
people
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 to build the place, but
also
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 because living conditions in
cities
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 will be significantly influenced.

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Task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you answer the main question. To make your case stronger, explain more fully why the loss of young people harms country towns. For example, say that farms, small shops, and local care work may have too few workers.
Task response
Your city paragraph has good points, but some links need more care. Too much use of cars can make air worse, but electricity use does not always do this. Use a more direct cause, such as more cars, more traffic, and more homes.
Task response
The Taipei example is useful, but make it more exact. Show how its large number of people leads to long travel times, high house costs, or full trains. This will make the example do more work for your main idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep this plan. Start each main part with one clear idea, then give a reason, an example, and a short link back to your view.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences have too many ideas at once. Split them into shorter sentences so the reader can follow them more easily. For example, first state what young people gain in cities, then state what older people lose in the countryside.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “By contrast”, “Furthermore”, and “For example” work well. Add clear links inside the first main part, such as “As a result” and “This means”, to show how young people leaving leads to weaker country life.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence of each main part stronger. It should clearly say why that paragraph shows this trend is bad. This will help the two main parts connect better to your final view.
Task response
You give a clear opinion that this is a bad trend, and both main parts support that opinion.
Task response
You use real-life examples about older people needing care and about life in Taipei. These make your ideas easier to understand.
Coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will argue, and the ending returns to the same view.
Coherence and cohesion
Each main part has a clear main idea: harm to country areas first, then harm to city life.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
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