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Band 4.5

According to Global Health Experts teenage pregnancy is on the ascendancy among huge number of families across Africa. *What are the causes of this problem?* *What can be done to solve the problem* ?

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Introduction
This
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 statement argues that in
Aftrica
Correct your spelling
Africa
 there is a huge increase in teenage pregnancies. In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will look at the causes of
this
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 problem and how
this
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 might be solved.
Body paragraph 1
First,
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it has to be mentioned that in Africa the population is huge, much bigger in comparison to the US or
Euorpe
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Europe
.
In addition
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, in many countries in
Africa
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Africa,
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 there is a lot of poverty and corruption, which means that many people suffer from injustice, lack of education and violence. These factors contribute to young adults not protecting themselves when it comes to sexual intercourse.
In addition
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, I believe that
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also parents and schools would
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parents and schools would also
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 need to be more involved to support their kids and educate them. A lot of time
due to
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 difficult life circumstances
parents
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, parents
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 are not around to
rolemodel
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be role models
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 and parent their kids
which
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, which
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then
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 leads to unintended pregnancies.
Body paragraph 2
In order to change
this
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situation
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situation,
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 there are different solutions to solve the problem.
For instance
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, access to education is needed and going to schools would help to educate and inform
how
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about how
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 to have safe sexual intercourse.
Furhermore
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Furthermore
, the government could distribute free condoms and advertise safe sex not only for preventing teenage pregnancies but
also
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 to make people aware of the risk of HIV.
However
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, and underlaying root issue is the corruption and violence in general.
Therefore
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,
its
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it's
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 necessary that there is a sense of
safty
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safety
 and the
propomition
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promotion
 of communication is
higlighted
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highlighted
. Love making can not be a forced act
but
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, but
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 in the first
place
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place,
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 there needs to be consent from both sides.
Conclusion
In general,
its
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it's
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 clear that teenage
preganncies
Correct your spelling
pregnancies
 are
due to
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 different factors like the lack of
educaction
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education
, poverty in general and
also
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 an
overall
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 violence in society.
Therefore
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,
its
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it's
show examples
 possible to
minimize
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minimise
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 the issue by giving teenagers access to school, promoting condoms and safe sex by the government and supporting parents. But even
then
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,
this
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 will take time and major efforts are needed since the main problems are rooted deeper in society.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give clear causes, such as poor sex education, child marriage, lack of birth control, and violence. Then give one direct action for each cause.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, explain how free birth control at local health centers can help girls who cannot pay for it.
task response
Be careful with broad claims about Africa. Africa has many very different countries. Say “in some parts of Africa” unless you can support a wider claim.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Put causes in one paragraph and answers in another. In the first body paragraph, the point about parents fits well, but the point about population is not clearly linked to teenage pregnancy.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links to show the path of your ideas: “One main cause is...”, “Another cause is...”, “To deal with this...”, and “As a result...”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between violence and pregnancy clearer. Say how forced sex, poor safety, or child marriage can lead to pregnancy, then explain what schools, families, and the law can do.
coherence and cohesion
Check key words for clear meaning. “Young adults” may not mean teenagers, and “love making” is less clear than “sex” in this topic.
task response
You discuss both the causes of teenage pregnancy and ways to deal with it.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic: poor education, poverty, unsafe sex, weak family support, and violence.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and a final paragraph that brings the main ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful linking words such as “First”, “In addition”, “For instance”, “Furthermore”, and “Therefore”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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