IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The older people who need employment have to compete with younger pnes. What problems can this create? What are some solutions?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, many senior citizens need to compete with younger
people
Use synonyms
 for a
job
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 trend can bring several social problems, yet effective measures should be adopted to address these issues.
Body paragraph 1
One key problem is that older
people
Use synonyms
 face unfair disadvantages when applying for
Use synonyms
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
. Many companies insist that younger
people
Use synonyms
 are more
innobative
Correct your spelling
innovative
 and flexible than
the old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
people
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
fast pace
Replace the word
fast-paced
 society, it's difficult for old
people
Use synonyms
 to
upate
Verb problem
update
show examples
 their knowledge in technology. What's more, the senior citizen can not afford the heavy workload and the long working time, so the companies prefer
hire
Verb problem
to hire
show examples
 the young
job
Use synonyms
 seekers.
However
Linking Words
, the phenomenon can cause the waste of rich working experience from the senior citizens, especially in some
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 markets.
Body paragraph 2
So, the communities should
intruduce
Correct your spelling
introduce
 some laws and policies to address these problems. The government should introduce some laws to prohibit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
age discrimination. The old
people
Use synonyms
 have more working experience in working, which can help the younger generation work
effective
Replace the word
effectively
 and overcome some difficulties more easily. The communities should
organize
Change the spelling
organise
show examples
 some lessons and activities to help the old
people
Use synonyms
 update their knowledge, which can help them adapt
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
job
Use synonyms
 market easily and improve their competitiveness.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, the society should
encourge
Correct your spelling
encourage
 the young generation and the elderly
people
Use synonyms
work
Verb problem
to work
show examples
 and learn together, which
improve
Correct subject-verb agreement
improves
show examples
 their working efficiency.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
Use synonyms
 face unfair working
can
Check wording
conditions that can
show examples
 lead
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 waste of their rich experience. With the effort of communities and government, the senior
senior
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
citizen can get
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fair
job
Use synonyms
 opportunities
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the society will become more effective.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the question: problems and ways to deal with them. To make your ideas stronger, explain each point more fully. For example, show how age bias can harm older workers and why their past work can help a company.
task response
Add one clear real-life example. You could write about an older nurse teaching new staff, or an office worker taking computer classes. This would make your answer more clear and convincing.
task response
Keep your solutions linked to the problems. Age bias can be dealt with by laws and fair hiring. Lack of new skills can be dealt with by free or low-cost training. Heavy work can be dealt with by part-time jobs or less hard roles.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, problems, solutions, and ending. Keep this plan, but make the main idea of each body part more direct in its first sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not fully clear. Use simple link words such as "For example", "As a result", "Also", and "Therefore" to show cause, result, and added ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating "old people", "senior citizens", and "the young generation" too often. You can use "older workers", "younger workers", "they", and "these people" when the meaning is clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph more clear by restating the two main problems and the main ways to solve them. Do not add unclear ideas at the end.
task response
You cover the main problems of age bias, new technology, and hard work, and you give several useful solutions.
task response
Your ideas about fair hiring rules, training, and older and younger workers learning together are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because problems come before solutions.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as "One key problem", "What's more", and "In conclusion".
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: