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Band 6.5

The table below shows the proportion of income spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998

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The table below shows the proportion of income spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998
The table depicts statistics regarding the percentage of earnings elderly and kids
splurged
Verb problem
spent
show examples
 on four common things in the UK in 1998.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is crystal clear that
while
Linking Words
 adults, especially men and
Use synonyms
women
Punctuation problem
women,
show examples
 mostly paid for
food
Use synonyms
, buying music was the same for
children
Use synonyms
,
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, purchasing videos was the least preferred by
women
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, adults, men and
women
Use synonyms
 chose to set 25%, 14% and 39% of their income aside for
food
Use synonyms
, but spent only 1%, 2% and 0.5% on the videos, respectively. The percentage of electronic equipment was 10% for men, 5% for adults, and only 1% for
women
Use synonyms
, even though all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
three splurged equally 5% on music. Youngsters’ major purchase was music over the period, standing at 38% for
boys
Use synonyms
, 39% for
children
Use synonyms
 and 40% for
girls
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 squandered 10% of their money on
food
Use synonyms
, and 23% on electronic equipment, 9% belonged to
boys
Use synonyms
 for
food
Use synonyms
, 18% for electronic equipment, whereupon 11% and 5 % for
girls
Use synonyms
,
accordingly
Linking Words
.
Boys
Use synonyms
 were the ones who allocated 18% of their budget for videos
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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children
Use synonyms
 prioritised 12% of their profit
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
girls
Use synonyms
 17%. \

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, food, children, boys, girls with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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