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Writing Samples
Band 5

some people think that smartphones have improved the way people communicate with each other. Others believe that these devices have a negative effect on social relationships. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays, some
people
Use synonyms
 think that mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 have a bad effect on social relationships because it can be addictive, which can lead to
isolation
Use synonyms
 problems.
However
Linking Words
, I strongly believe with
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 think mobiles have enhanced social communication because individuals
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 communicate with each other in any circumstance.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, mobiles could be addictive in
way
Correct article usage
a way
show examples
 that reaches
isolation
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
,
phones
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 can take a loot of time from
people
Use synonyms
 without even realisation because
people
Use synonyms
 minds can be so entertained to the level that affect their ability of managing time.
For example
Linking Words
, social media apps like TikTok and
instagram
Capitalize the proper name
Instagram
show examples
 have special searching criteria that could attract you to continue
stay
Wrong verb form
staying
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 in the app.
As a result
Linking Words
, their brains will want more of that, and
this
Linking Words
 can lead to
isolation
Use synonyms
 problems.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 firmly agree that
phones
Use synonyms
 have enhanced social communication.
People
Use synonyms
 now do not have to be
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the same country to meet because
phones
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 provide them with multiple features that can make communication way easier.
For example
Linking Words
, if a family
son’s
Check wording
son
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 is studying
abroad
Punctuation problem
abroad,
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 he can contact his family with video calls.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 will reduce the gap between
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 do not live in the same country.
Conclusion
In conclusion, i strongly believe that mobiles have improved our social life by closing the gap between
people
Use synonyms
 who cannot meet because of life circumstances.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it can lead to
isolation
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 problems if not used carefully
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 with social media apps that can attract
people
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully how phone use can harm real social time, not only cause isolation.
task response
Your main view is clear: phones help people stay close across long distance. Add one more real example, such as friends making plans or parents checking on a child, to make this point more complete.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first one side, then the other side, then a final view. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. For example, use 'However' to show a different idea, and use 'As a result' only when the next sentence is a clear result.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the main subject clear. In the first body part, 'their brains' is not clear because it may mean the app makers. Write 'users' brains' or 'people may want more of this content'.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences shorter and clearer. For example, change 'mobiles could be addictive in way that reaches isolation' to 'Mobile phones can be addictive and may make people feel alone.'
task response
You answer all parts of the question by looking at both the bad and good sides and giving your own view.
task response
The video-call example is relevant and clearly shows how phones can help families who live far apart.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main idea, and the conclusion returns to your view.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'In conclusion' help guide the reader through your ideas.
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