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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People nowadays have little free time to spend with family and friends. What are the reasons for this, and what are the effects on family and society as a whole.

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Many
people
Use synonyms
 think that individuals don't have free
time
Use synonyms
 to communicate has become a significant issue in modern life.
This
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 essay
first will
Correct word order
will first
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 discuss the long working
hours
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and is
Correct word choice
as
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 the primary
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
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 for
this
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 trend, and
then
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 it will explain why
this
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 is a deeply negative development for families and society
due to
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 the risk of loneliness and poor
communication
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 skills. First of all, the main reason
of
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for
show examples
this
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 trend is long duty
hours
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 during the week for different
organizations
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organisations
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 around the world.In fact, many professions are suffering because
the
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of the
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high demand
Correct your spelling
high-demand
 job environment that
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
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strict
Punctuation problem
strict,
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 prolonged work
period
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periods
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, especially vocations
such
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 as
pilot
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pilots
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, healthcare professionals, and police officers. 
Although
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 many
people
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 are more able to manage their
time
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due to
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 flexible weekly
hours
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,
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whereas
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apply
show examples
for certain jobs are much harder to find free
time
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 to meet someone and
socialize
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socialise
show examples
. 
Therefore
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, long duty
hours
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 and shifts can be a factor
for
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in
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 a lack of free
time
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 to spend with family members. 
In addition
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, regarding the second point, I believe that
this
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 trend can
has
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have
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 profound impacts on
people
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 and society in the future. What I mean is that
this
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 behaviour will lead to poor
communication
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 between
people
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 in different aspects
in
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of
show examples
 life,
such
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 as
in
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at
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 work or with family members. 
Furthermore
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, when
people
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 don't have
time
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 to
contact
Verb problem
interact
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 with close-knit
,
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people, as
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as a
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consequence
Punctuation problem
consequence,
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 individuals will start to suffer from loneliness and poor
communication
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 skills. 
For example
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, daily conversations with others
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 essential to understand and respect each other, with insufficient
time
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 to communicate in daily basis
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this
Punctuation problem
, this
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 ability will start to diminish. 
Therefore
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, human connection bonds
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 significantly linked to the
communication
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time
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 and the ability to speak to different
people
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 in a wide range of situations. In conclusion, I believe that the long working
hours
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the main reason
of
Change preposition
for the
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 little free
time
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people
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 have in modern life,
while
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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social health is at risk of poor
communication
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 and
strong
Correct article usage
a strong
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 feeling of being alone, which can impact society and family
bond
Check wording
bonds
show examples
.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: reasons and effects. To make the answer stronger, give two clear reasons, not only long work hours. For example, add travel time or time spent on phones.
task response
Explain each effect more fully. Show how less time at home may cause stress, weak family ties, and less help for children or old people.
task response
Your example about daily talks is useful, but make it more real. For example, say that parents who work late may miss meals and talks with their children.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep one main idea in each body part and begin each part with a direct topic sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the links are not right. Do not use “although” and “whereas” together in the same way. Use short, clear links such as “However”, “As a result”, and “For example”.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “communication” many times. Use simple other words such as “talk”, “contact”, “time together”, and “social ties”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the cause and effect links clearer. For example: “Because workers spend long hours at work, they have less time for meals, visits, and talks with family and friends.”
task response
You give a clear main reason and two effects: loneliness and weak skills for talking with others.
task response
The essay stays on the main topic and does not add ideas that are not needed.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the conclusion returns to the main points.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear order words, such as “First of all”, “In addition”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • long working hours
  • overtime work
  • demanding career
  • rising living costs
  • financial pressure
  • lengthy commute
  • work-life balance
  • quality time
  • face-to-face interaction
  • meaningful conversation
  • emotional support
  • family bonds
  • parental guidance
  • social isolation
  • sense of belonging
  • community spirit
  • loneliness among elderly people
  • digital distraction
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