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Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should be taught how to manage money at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that teaching
children
Use synonyms
 is
important
Correct article usage
an important
show examples
 aspect of their life.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that adolescents should be taught how to manage financial resources at
school
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, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion,
i
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I
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 consider that
children
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 need to know how to manage money at
school
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with,
this
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 could help them
at becoming better in
Correct word order
become better at
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 managing financial resources.
In other words
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, they will be taught how to differentiate between necessities and secondary things.
In addition
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,
this
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 can lead to a better future for them because they learned how to spend money.
For example
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, spending
in
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on
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 toys and candies
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 useless when it comes to necessities
such
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 as groceries.
Furthermore
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, learning how to manage personal budgets prevents young individuals from falling into financial
debts
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debt
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 later in life.
Body paragraph 2
Another point to consider, tutors can provide
learning
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a learning
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 environment
that is
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 better than
parents
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parents'
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 teaching. It is
also
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 possible to say that
,
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apply
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 colourful pictures and significant paintings would help
children
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 to accept information with ease.
Moreover
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,
children
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 will assist their friends at
school
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 because they know that
school
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 is a place for learning.
For instance
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, if
children
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 cannot accept
information
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information,
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 they can help each other
with their
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in a
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 special way that no one can understand
it
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apply
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except them because they are
in
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of
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 the same age.
This
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 collaborative environment encourages students to develop a practical understanding of financial skills alongside their peers.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite people having different points of view. I strongly believe
children
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 should be taught
on
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apply
show examples
how to manage money for better outcomes in the future, and teachers at
school
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 could provide
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them the best environment to learn.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree that schools should teach children about money. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why this should be a school subject, not only something parents can teach.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear chain: state the idea, explain why it matters, and give one real example. For example, show how a child could plan a small weekly budget for food, travel, and saving.
task response
Your example about toys and candy is relevant, but it is too broad. Make it more exact and link it directly to a lesson at school.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence more direct and closely linked to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not fully clear. For example, the point about colourful pictures does not strongly support the idea that school is better than parents. Use a more direct reason, such as teachers giving planned lessons and practice tasks.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words like “In addition” and “Furthermore” are useful, but make sure the next sentence adds a new idea. Avoid links that join ideas which are not closely connected.
coherence and cohesion
Make paragraphs more focused. In the second body part, stay on one main idea: why school lessons help children learn about money. Remove or change ideas that move away from this point.
task response
You answer the question clearly and give a firm opinion from the start to the end.
task response
You give useful reasons, including planning spending, knowing needs, and avoiding debt later in life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because it uses clear paragraphs and has both an opening and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use several linking phrases, such as “To begin with”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”, to guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial literacy
  • budgeting
  • savings
  • spending wisely
  • informed decisions
  • financial behavior
  • debt accumulation
  • financial goals
  • investments
  • consumer culture
  • impulsive purchases
  • curriculum
  • responsible financial habits
  • economic awareness
  • money management skills
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