IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that it is best to be loyal and to work for one company during one’s life. Others take the opposite view and say it is better to change jobs frequently in one’s life. Discuss these positions, using specific examples of both. Then tell which one you agree with and explain why?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that working is a crucial aspect of
people
Use synonyms
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that being loyal and working only for
one
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company
Use synonyms
 during
one
Use synonyms
's life is the best, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that it is better to work
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 more than
one
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company
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 during
your
Fix the agreement mistake
one's
show examples
 life.
Body paragraph 1
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion.
Body paragraph 2
On
one
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 hand, if
people
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 stay in the same
job
Punctuation problem
job,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 will create more promotion for them.
In other words
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,
this
Linking Words
 can lead
people
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 to have a high degree of promotions as they get older in the same job because they know more about the
company
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 than other new
people
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.
For example
Linking Words
, if someone was working in the same
company
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 for years, he or she can manage circumstances and stresses more than other new colleagues because they learned from their previous challenges.
As a result
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, the
company
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 will reward them for their
expert level
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expertise
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 by promoting them
with
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to
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 better positions.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
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, working in different jobs can lead
people
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 to become knowledgeable, because they saw different fields and lived with
people
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 who
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 different kinds of majors.
For instance
Linking Words
, working in
finance
Correct article usage
the finance
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 and healthcare sectors would ensure that
people
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 combine both the theoretical knowledge and the practical skills.
Consequently
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, they improved the information that they have
Correct word order
, and they also
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also
Linking Words
 they closed the gap between skills and knowledge.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 tend to believe that working in different jobs can enhance
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people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 level of knowledge because they will combine both the theoretical information and the practical skills.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view, so you answer all parts of the task. Make your own view stronger by saying clearly why changing jobs is better than staying with one company.
task response
Develop each main idea more. For the first view, explain why a long time in one company can bring trust, pay, and more work. For the second view, explain how new jobs give new skills, new people, and new ways to work.
task response
Your examples are linked to the ideas, but they are still quite general. Add one clear, real-life style example, such as a nurse who moves to a health-tech firm and learns both care and computer skills.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: introduction, one paragraph for each view, and a conclusion. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links inside sentences clearer. For example, write: 'They gain more knowledge, and they also close the gap between skills and knowledge.' This is easier to read than joining many ideas without clear links.
coherence and cohesion
Use key words in a more exact way. The essay says 'same job', 'same company', 'different jobs', and 'different fields'. Choose the right word each time, because changing jobs is not always the same as changing companies or fields.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same point in the second body paragraph and conclusion. Use the body paragraph to explain the idea fully, then use the conclusion only to restate your view in a short, clear way.
task response
You give a fair view of both sides before you state your own choice.
task response
The point about long service leading to more trust and promotion is clear and fits the first view.
coherence and cohesion
The words 'On one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'In conclusion' help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main point, which makes the essay easy to follow.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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