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Band 5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the cause of the problem and what measure could be taken to solve it?

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Introduction
The impact of fast
food
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 on weight has been massive,
although
Linking Words
 individual are less concerned about their
overall
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health
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. The issue has drawn widespread attention in many nations. It is an undeniable fact that processed
food
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 gains its popularity among youngsters and detain
health
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 of children.
Body paragraph 1
To embark upon, it is seen that
,
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apply
show examples
 having a high consumption of junk
food
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 will affect multiple systems.
Moreover
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, it shows its effect on young children very frequently. To exemplify, an article was published on "The Hindustan Times of India"
,
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 in 2002, which shows the ratio of children who are suffering from oil and outside
food
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. It shows that people who tend to overeat will gain weight instantly.
However
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, pupils who only have home-based
food
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 stay healthy. Another factor to be considered, in the recent era, a lot of people have less interest in physical activities, like football, cricket, and the gym. Apart from that, most adults tend to do their daily activities
,
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while
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 staying at home and eating outside
food
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 , which mitigate the
health
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 and fitness level , and it is very detrimental to them.
Body paragraph 2
From another perspective, the government should introduce a fitness programme.
In addition
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, Rules and regulations could be imposed on the
food
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. Higher authorities must stop work from home, since employees can move from there comfort environment and do some kind of walking to enhance their activity levels.
For instance
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, in India, a survey was conducted by ''MENTAL AND
HEALTH
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 ORGANISATION'' in the year 2003, suggesting that individuals are more active
while
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 travelling, rather than staying at home.
This
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 will
also
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 impact on there conginative skills.
Conclusion
To summarise, elevated weight caused problems in every aspect .
Similarly
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, some precautions and laws should be introduced by the high command, just as
,
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 to alleviate
this
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down
Use the right word
issue
show examples
 and counsel them regarding the benefits of exercises and drawbacks of unhealthy
food
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.

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Task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. State the main causes clearly: unhealthy food and less exercise. Then give clear steps: food tax, better school meals, safe parks, and health lessons.
Task response
Explain each idea more fully. For example, say why fast food makes people gain weight: it has much fat, sugar, and salt, and many people eat it too often.
Task response
Some ideas are too broad or not well supported. Saying that the government must stop work from home is not a strong or fair answer. People can be active at home too. Focus on steps that can work for all people.
Task response
Use examples that are clear and easy to trust. The named reports and surveys do not give enough useful detail. A simple real-life example, such as schools selling healthy lunches, would support your point better.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body parts, and ending. However, make the plan easier to follow: one body part for causes and one body part for solutions.
Coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add an explanation and one example. Do not put several different ideas in the same long sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a natural way. Words such as 'Moreover', 'However', and 'Apart from that' are used often, but the link is not always clear. Try simple links: 'First', 'Also', 'As a result', and 'For example'.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the ending shorter and clearer. Restate the two causes and the main solutions in direct words, without adding new ideas.
Task response
You discuss both causes and possible solutions, so the essay stays on the main topic.
Task response
You give useful cause ideas, especially fast food and low levels of exercise.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay uses paragraphs and has an introduction and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You try to use examples to support your ideas, which helps make the writing more complete.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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