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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries traditional foods being replaced by international fast food. Some people think this is harmful for both families and societies. To what extent agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is often argued that many
people
Use synonyms
 consume different types of fast
food
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 rather than traditional
food
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. It is widely considered that it is harmful to both of them families and societies. I partly agree that fast
food
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 causes a lot of illnesses , and
people
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, especially children,
don't
Verb problem
shouldn't
show examples
 eat junk
food
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.
Body paragraph 1
The major reason is that many
people
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 cannot imagine their life without fast
food
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.
However
Linking Words
, fast
food
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 saves a lot of
time
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 at fridge and added product that are not fresh, and they contain a few beneficial
vitamins
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. As a reason, fast
food
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 causes illnesses
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, allergies, anemia and others
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they always feel very exhausted and lifeless. The number of sick children and older
people
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 in society is increasing, and
this
Linking Words
 affects the state. Because they are ill, they
Don't
Fix capitalization
don't
show examples
 want to go to work, and hospitals become overcrowded with patients.
For example
Linking Words
, when children go to school, they always eats hot-dog or hamburgers at lunchtime.
As a result
Linking Words
, their bodies fail to receive the necessary
vitamins
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 and become susceptible to many diseases.
Therefore
Linking Words
, fast
food
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 cannot replace traditional meals because it is rich in
vitamins
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 and fresh.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, traditional meals being replaced by fast
food
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 has its own drawbacks. The main concern is that they can be prepared and consumed quickly. Many
people
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 have a busy schedule. They cannot spend a lot of
time
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 preparing
food
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. That's why fast
food
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 is very comfortable and delicious for workaholic
people
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. They save
time
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 and spend their free
time
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 on other important tasks.
For example
Linking Words
, working mothers prepare semi-finished products on the weekends and put their at fridge , and they usually consume them on the days.
Conclusion
In conclusion, fast
food
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 should not replace traditional cuisine because many
people
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's bodies become weak and susceptible to illness.
Therefore
Linking Words
, fast
food
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 doesn't contain the necessary
vitamins
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 for
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
 body.

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task response
Make your main view clear in the first part. You say you partly agree, but most of the essay says fast food is bad. Explain clearly what part you agree with and what part you do not agree with.
task response
Talk more about traditional food being lost, not only about fast food and health. Explain how this change may hurt family meals, local food, and shared ways of life.
task response
Develop the good side of fast food more carefully. Saving time is a useful point, but it does not show why traditional food should be replaced. Add a clear link back to the question.
task response
Use examples that fully support your point. The example of school children is useful, but explain how it affects families and the wider public.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each body part. The first body part moves from health, to sick people, to work, to hospitals. Split these ideas or link them more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas more exact. For example, say that poor food can lead to illness, which can then put more pressure on hospitals and work places.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentences that are hard to understand, such as “saves a lot of time at fridge” and “put their at fridge”. Clear sentences will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for the same idea. Choose either “fast food” or “junk food” when possible, and make sure “traditional meals” is clearly compared with it.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view that fast food should not fully take the place of traditional meals.
task response
You include a real-life example about children eating hot dogs and hamburgers at school.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “However”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion” to show the flow of your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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