IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important aspect of a job is the money a person earns. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

5.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
To be honest, I do not agree that money plays the most important role in a
job
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the opportunities and the people you met in your
job
Use synonyms
metters
Correct your spelling
meetings
.
Body paragraph 1
I remember when I was a fresh graduate, I did not have a clear
blue-print
Correct your spelling
blueprint
 about my career path,
natually
Correct your spelling
naturally
, I chose a
job
Use synonyms
 that's completely irrelavent with my
bachalor's
Correct your spelling
bachelor's
 major
to begin
Linking Words
 with. In that
job
Use synonyms
, I was new to the industry,
I
Correct word choice
and I
show examples
felt frustrated not having enough
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
background knowledge of the
Use synonyms
works
Check wording
work
show examples
. Many times, I was one moment away from
turing
Correct your spelling
turning
 in my
resign
Replace the word
resignation
 letter. And that's when I met a work friend
Use synonyms
Jason
Punctuation problem
, Jason
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
Jason
Use synonyms
join
Wrong verb form
joined
show examples
 the industry 2 years before I did. He handles the intricate day to day
works
Use synonyms
 professionally. When he found that I was in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 low time in the
job
Use synonyms
, he proactively offered
helps
Check wording
help
show examples
. He meticulously
impart
Correct subject-verb agreement
imparts
show examples
 the tricks he has found during
the
Correct article usage
his
show examples
 two years working experience. He
tought
Correct your spelling
taught
 me what
aspect
Check wording
aspects
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
works
Check wording
work
show examples
 should be taken carefully and how I should try to
lay-back
Verb problem
take a step back
show examples
 when encountering difficulties.
Body paragraph 3
Gradually, I became confident in the
job
Use synonyms
. I tried to deal with the
Use synonyms
works
Check wording
work
show examples
 like
Jason
Use synonyms
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
. I started receiving
complaments
Correct your spelling
compliments
 from my leaders, and I suddenly
foud
Correct your spelling
found
 myself really enjoying the
job
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 4
Now, 5 years later, I have already switched jobs several times. But every now and
then
Linking Words
, when I feel
stressful
Replace the word
stressed
 by the
Use synonyms
works
Check wording
work
show examples
, I will recall the time I worked with
Jason
Use synonyms
. I would put myself
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 his shoes, imagining how he would react to
this
Linking Words
 situation. That has been very beneficial for me.
Conclusion
In that sense, I have
gain
Wrong verb form
gained
show examples
 the most important things I can imagine from my
job
Use synonyms
. The experiences and mindsets will keep on encouraging me in the future, whenever I feel anxious. And that's much more valuable
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
show examples
 money.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main view even more direct. Say that money is important, but it is not the most important part of a job. Then give two clear reasons: what you can learn and the people who can help you.
task response
Your story about Jason is strong, but add one short point about money. For example, explain that a good pay cannot make a job worth doing if you feel unhappy or cannot grow.
task response
Explain more clearly how Jason changed your work life. Show the link: his help gave you skills, the skills gave you trust, and this made you enjoy the job.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: first give your view, then explain why growth matters, then tell the Jason story, and end by restating why this is worth more than money.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words to show time and cause, such as “At first,” “Because of this,” “As a result,” and “In the end.” This will make the story easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the focus on the main question in each part. In the last part, directly connect your past experience to the idea that money is not the most important thing.
task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep the same view to the end.
task response
The example of Jason is real, detailed, and closely linked to your main idea. It shows how a good work friend can help you learn and feel better at work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear time order: you started the job, met Jason, became more sure of yourself, and then looked back years later.
coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to your main point and shows why skills and ways of thinking can last longer than money.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: