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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, people get married and have children after the age of 30. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this development.

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Introduction
These days, people in
this
Linking Words
 modern era
delays
Correct subject-verb agreement
delay
show examples
 their marriages as they want to become financially
indepandent
Correct your spelling
independent
 so they can
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 their life in good ways. There are some pros and cons of delaying marriages which must be
take
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
 into consideration.
Body paragraph 1
There are some significant advantages of
tie
Correct article usage
the tie
show examples
 knot after the
age
Use synonyms
 of 30.
Firstly
Linking Words
, individuals in their young
age
Use synonyms
 focus on their studies as
this
Linking Words
 is important for their career
developemnt
Correct your spelling
development
.
This
Linking Words
 is because they have talent and capability in early
age
Use synonyms
 to work hard in
academics
Replace the word
academic
 studies.
However
Linking Words
, they
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 want to get
engage
Wrong verb form
engaged
show examples
 in
relationship
Correct article usage
a relationship
show examples
 which can
effect their
Use the right word
affect
show examples
 their career and chances of moving forward in their profession.
Moreover
Linking Words
, individuals below the
age
Use synonyms
 of thirty
posseses
Correct your spelling
possess
plenty of time to complete their higher education on time.
For example
Linking Words
, research shows that people
intheir
Correct your spelling
in their
 young
age
Use synonyms
 have extraordinary skills of understanding things quickly as compared to those who are above 30 years old.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 late marriage. People who get married over the
age
Use synonyms
 of 30
could
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 time
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their families as they have to go to their offices.
Therefore
Linking Words
, as with the declining
age
Use synonyms
,
fertility
Correct article usage
the fertility
show examples
 of both
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
women fall which is harmful for mothers and babies in later life.
Consequently
Linking Words
, parents cannot take care of their
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 activities properly.
As a result
Linking Words
, children do anything
irrespective
Punctuation problem
, irrespective
show examples
 of good or bad.
Whereas
Linking Words
, late marriages
also
Linking Words
 creates generational gap as the adult can not see
their
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
their grandparents.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are some
some
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
advantages of marriage after 30 as the individuals focus on their studies and career
developement
Correct your spelling
development
.
By contrast
Linking Words
, there are some disadvantages of late
marrying
Replace the word
marriage
 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
pregnancy at
later
Correct article usage
a later
show examples
age
Use synonyms
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 health complications both
in
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 baby and
mother
Correct article usage
the mother
show examples
.

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Task response
You answer both parts of the question. You give good points about study, work, family time, and health. However, some ideas need more clear detail. For example, explain how being more stable at work can help a couple and their child.
Task response
Keep all points close to the topic. The point about young people learning more quickly does not clearly show why marriage after 30 is good. Use an example that links more directly to later marriage, such as having more money or a settled job.
Task response
Your example is too general. Do not only say that research shows something. Give a clear real-life example, such as a person who finishes school, gets a job, saves money, and then can pay for a home and child care.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, one paragraph for good points, one for bad points, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the links between ideas more clear. In the second body paragraph, the ideas about work, fertility, child care, and grandparents come very fast. Give one main idea, explain it, and then give an example before moving to the next idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “Therefore” should show a clear result, but the sentence about office work does not lead to fertility. Split these into two separate points and use simple links such as “Also”, “Another problem is”, and “As a result”.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words and phrases, such as “some some”, “their their”, and “career developement”. Check each sentence at the end so the meaning stays clear.
Task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides, and your ending gives a short summary of your main view.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay follows a useful four-part plan: introduction, advantages, disadvantages, and conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signpost phrases, such as “Firstly”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • secure income
  • career development
  • emotional maturity
  • family responsibilities
  • well-prepared parents
  • a stable relationship
  • make an informed decision
  • delay parenthood
  • declining fertility
  • fertility treatment
  • age-related health risks
  • complicated pregnancy
  • childcare costs
  • work-life balance
  • raise a child
  • generation gap
  • long-term family planning
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